Bespectacled

I excitedly picked up my glasses yesterday afternoon. I like them, though when I look in the mirror I don't see myself, I see some weird looking bearded four-eyes. I feel like I should be wearing beige shorts, knee length business socks and a pair of sensible, brown shoes.

They feel pretty weird. Is it normal for them to feel weird at first? They definitely make things look clearer, but after reading with them for a few minutes I need to take them off for a rest, because they make my head feel strange. Also I was a bit surprised that when I look at something not up close they make everything look completely blurry and poop. I have to do that old person thing of having them a little ways down my nose and peering over the top to talk to people. I hope I can get used to them.

Thursday Peanuts on Friday

A First Step

Well, last night I made a bit of a first step with my speech.

As you may remember, I wrote a few posts several months ago about my stuttering problem. I felt pretty helpless and hopeless about it all, simultaneously wanting nothing more than to change my situation, but continuing to run away from it, because it was too painful.

Anyway, sadly I continued to procrastinate after those posts, up until a few weeks back where I felt like I had hit rock bottom, and made the commitment to really do something, and right away. After a bit of research I discovered a program being run in Lidcombe by the Sydney University, and last night E and I went to the information night about this course.

It is an intensive Smooth Speech course, that will be held next February. You go all day, every day for a week, and just get totally immersed in the thing, and do nothing for a week but talk, talk, talk, using techniques that they teach you. After that you go back for seven weekly two hour visits.

I am under no illusions that my stuttering will be cured. There is no 'cure' for stuttering, only ways to manage it. But the aim is that I will work very hard to put in to practice these techniques that help 'bypass' the stuttering, and allow me to talk in a new way, and sound as natural as possible. As they explained last night, there will never be a time when this new way of speaking feels completely natural, but rather it will always be something I have to think about and practice. In a sense, it's really after the course that the real hard work begins.

But really, none of this was going to dampen my enthusiasm. Any improvement is going to better to where I'm at now. I feel so happy that things are underway, and that there is now a plan of attack. Even just talking about it last night, and being with a group of people with the same problem was hugely comforting and liberating.

I feel so thankful to God for the way He brought this about, and led me to this place. I'm also so amazed at His timing. I found this course just before there was going to be an info night, and also the course will wrap up a day or two before the baby is born! It really feels like He is smoothing the way and giving me the strength I need.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted with how things progress.

It's Inevitable

Soon I will be carrying around not only keys, a wallet, a phone, and a hanky, but also a glasses case.

In all seriousness, how can I not need a fanny pack?

Fleet Foxes

I'd be keen to check out the Fleet Foxes album. Not being very fond of current music I tend to not listen when people recommend things to me, but I checked out a few songs by these guys and really like them. A little like The Shins, but with a bit of a Beach Boys 1960's production sound.

This one is really cool.

A Gift, A Command

This love that God gives, comes from God. God is love. Romans says that God pours out His love into our hearts, because of Jesus, through God the Holy Spirit.

That's why the bible can command us in Ephesians 5, 'Husbands love your wives', Titus 2, 'Wives love your husbands'. If it was just a feeling, if it was just an affection, an infatuation, you couldn't command it. But if it is a gift of God to be shared with your spouse, it can be commanded. You say, 'well I don't feel loving'. Well, go to God- He'll give you love to share.

Love comes from God, through the christian, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to love the spouse.

This is from Mark Driscolls' latest talk from Song of Songs. I really appreciate the fact that love for my wife is not dependant on my feelings, on my sinful, hot and cold nature. If I ask God for that love, He gives it to me to share. And He gives it abundantly.

Last night we watched a program called Weddings- Where Are They Now or something. It showed several peoples' wedding day, and the lead up, and then checked in to see how things were going a few years down the track. Depressingly, couple after couple had separated or divorced. It's too difficult, we split up. The feelings died out, we split up. He cheated, we split up.

One woman who had divorced, said that she believed this was fate. What was meant to happen, happened. She was content now. I wonder how her child feels about fate, when he's being juggled back and forth by two distant parents?

Our feelings are fleeting, and we are sinful and selfish. Our spouses are sinful and selfish. How can marriage hold up and survive with only human love? The strength that comes from real, God-made love, that will see us through to the end is there for us. We only need to ask for it.

I Heart NZ

Call me unpatriotic, but I absolutely loved seeing New Zealand beat Australia in the footy World Cup on Saturday night. Nothing like seeing cocky Goliath getting whooped by little David.

A Concern

Twice in as many days I have walked past different shops from which has been playing "All That She Wants Is Another Baby" by Ace of Base. I am starting to worry.

Shopping

Kicked some serious Christmas present butt on Saturday arvo. We were only at the shops for a couple of hours but I nailed a massive portion of my list. I have never been this far ahead this early.

You getting anywhere with yours?

Book Group II: Week Two

Well there are a lot of things that could be debated from chapter two - a long chapter that covered a lot of ground. I'll mention what stood out to me.

Reading Together

This chapter made me look with fresh eyes at the ins and outs of 'doing church', and to think deeper about things I don't give thought to. Some of this at first seemed kind of legalistic, but almost always Bonhoeffer got me to see his point. He said that when reading the bible in the congregation, the reading is to not be too dramatic and 'in character', because for example, when we read a passage about God's anger in an angry tone for dramatic effect, then we are playing the character of God. We are being the admonisher rather than seeing that we are being admonished.

He sums this up in quite a blanket statement: 'It may be taken as a rule for the right reading of the Scriptures that the reader should never identify himself with the person who is speaking in the Bible'(p56). This undermines a lot of what I base my general bible reading on though, particularly my reading of the Psalms. Where do you go from here?

Singing Together

..Great humility and much discipline- these are the prerequisites of all singing together. Where the heart is not singing there is no melody, there is only the dreadful medley of human self-praise.' (p58)

Bonhoeffer's' thoughts on congregational music made me worry about a few things. Firstly about me playing in the band, and the motives and outcomes of that. Sometimes I wonder if we get too concerned about being slick, and as band members, not showing a lot of patience with each other. I think because of the time restraints involved it is easy for it to become a big stress, rather than genuinely a way of praising God. I know for myself I am usually a lot more focused on learning four songs in 20 minutes than in how I am glorifying God.

My other concern was with Bonhoeffer criticising harmony singing. I was prepared for this passage, as we had had a bit of a discussion about it a couple of weeks ago on Simone's blog, but still I don't feel very at peace about it. I love to sing harmony, and in most songs I will go off in a harmony. So I can't do that at the top of my voice because then I am distracting the congregation. So am I to only sing to God quietly, making sure no one hears I'm doing a harmony? Should I discipline myself to instead sing the melody with everybody else for the sake of unity, even though my natural, (I believe) God-given instinct is to harmonise? I dunno.

The Days' Work

I did not feel worried about Bonhoeffer's thoughts on work. I actually really appreciated it, and feel invigorated on this Monday morning to work hard at my job, as a result.

'Prayer is entitled to its time. But the bulk of the day belongs to work. And only where each receives its own specific due will it become clear that both belong inseparably together. Without the burden and labor of the day, prayer is not prayer, and without prayer, work is not work' (p70)

I like that the two give each other meaning, and that they both work together to keep us in step with God. It is also hugely important for me to be reminded that 'the bulk of the day belongs to work', because I am so prone to resent it, and to see it only as something that keeps me from doing what I want to do, something to drudge through in order to get to the end.

For Next week-- Read Chapter Three

Four Eyes

Well, it's official. I have astigmatism and require glasses for 'close work'. I am actually kind of happy, as now I know the reason for all the headaches and the strain of reading. I don't mind the idea of having glasses. Apparently they make you smarter, and also somewhat more refined. See there's proof--I just used the word 'somewhat', which I probably wouldn't have, pre- eyecheck. It's working already.

I kind of enjoyed the eye test. I liked the big old fashioned contraption, and that they took notes, as if I was some interesting experiment. I was a bit disappointed when they said my condition was 'very common'. I was wanting 'Wow, I've never seen this in my forty three years of optometrist-ing. Only one in seven billion people have what you have. Would you mind terribly if I wrote a journal article case study about you?'

Sigh. You're never as special as you want to be.

I chose some frames on the spot and they'll be good to go in about a week. I'm amped. Bad eyesight is the new black, baby.

Yikes

Got my optometrist appointment this arvo. Actually what I'm most afraid of is them saying, nup, you're fine, on your bike. At least if I do need glasses it explains why all the headaches and strained eyes business.

Can you still get monocles? I'd like a monocle.

Phew

Bought my first two Christmas presents this morning. Feels good to have finally started.

How's yours going?

Thursday Peanuts

Plot or Plan

Do not those who plot evil go astray?
But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.

--Proverbs 14:22

A Free Man

I've made the risky and controversial decision to not attend my work Christmas party this year, and I feel happy and relieved that I don't have it looming. No silly costume to work out. No late night at some seedy place far from home.

Our Christmas parties used to be pretty good. We'd start early in the day, and have a flash sit-down meal and stuff. These days it's all about finger food. And I'm not talking party pies either.

One down side of not going is that I miss the opportunity of winning prizes. I have won some sweet prizes in previous years. I won a Blackberry (which is still in it's box if anyone wants one cheap), and also a massive TV. I might add that I won the TV in a dance-off. Oh, the glory days.

Mince Tarts and Maturity

I've decided that I'd like to try and make mince tarts for Christmas. I wonder if they're hard to make... anyone ever tried?

I like a good mince tart. In a way you could say they are just a glorified pillow biscuit, but then again I love pillow biscuits, so a glorified one must be all the more awesome. And it surely is.

I also like them because they make me feel old and mature. The mince tart is an adult food. To sit in a cafe with a coffee and a mince tart, with my legs crossed-- to me that is the epitome of having reached maturity. And I have.

As a side note, there will always be a little part of me that looks back nostalgically and lovingly at immature eating habits. Yesterday I saw a group of school boys standing around, and they had just popped into the supermarket for some snacks. There was no thought for mince tarts. They each had bought one of those long bags of coloured popcorn, and were scoffing it down. They hadn't even simply opened the top of the bag, but had just stuck their fingers through the middle of the bag, and were just cramming it all into their mouths.

I fought back my desire to go and grab a bag of coloured popcorn for myself, and tried to focus on grown-up foods once more.

Food Safari

What are your favourite shows on tele at the moment?

I don't have very many anymore. There's so much boring junk on. What I do like though is cooking shows. I really like this one on Wednesday nights' called Food Safari. Last night's episode was great, it was all about Spanish food. Yum, it all looked awesome.

I'd like to try a Spanish restaurant some time --anyone know of any?

Strange Days

Good morning. The reason I've been a bit quiet of late is because I've been in a bit of a strange mood of late. It hasn't been very nice, actually, I've felt sort of out of control, going up, down, up, down all the time for no apparent reason-- one minute content, the next feeling totally dejected.

Anyhow, the reason why I didn't want to post was because it would seem very manic-- happy post, sad post, happy post, sad post. And it would feel a bit self-indulgent too. And boring for anyone who read it. Thankfully things are feeling better now, so I'll just leave it at that.

Mud Pies

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak.

We are halfhearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.

We are far too easily pleased.

--C.S. Lewis

Bookgroupers..

Sorry friends-- I haven't been able to finish the chapter for this week, so I am going to extend it a week and post next Monday. Sorry about that.

Date Day

Had a nice day day on Saturday with E. Went to Norton Street, had lunch at a cafe, saw a movie, then had a bit of a browse in some book shops. Nice to spend some time alone.

We ended up seeing Brideshead Revisited. I'm still not entirely sure what I thought of it. It is very much about Catholicism and the oppression that is felt by different characters by their 'faith'. On one hand it was interesting, thought- provoking, well made, well acted. On the other it was kind of depressing and rough going. It depressed me that this sort of Christianity had so little to do with Jesus, and so much to do with guilt, and trying to be good enough for God to accept you.

Whinge

To be honest, I am feeling pretty down in the dumps. The headaches are back, and it's like I'm back at square one. I know it's silly to get down about headaches. It definitely could be a lot worse. But I am just finding it really hard to do all the stuff I need to do.

Ideally, what I would love to do today is just lay down in some dark, silent room and rest my head, but instead will just be staring at a computer screen all day. Anyway, I need to get to the optometrist asap, and see if there's something wrong with my eyes. Then hopefully I can stop whinging. I wish I could learn to deal with it without feeling sorry for myself though, and not getting all crabby towards God and those around me. It's pretty lame.

Movie Buffs?

We are having a 'date day' tomorrow, which we are very excited about. My parents are looking after little e for the day so we can use up some movie tickets we have, and just spend some time focused on one another (and/or a movie screen).

We have Palace tickets and are considering either Burn After Reading or Brideshead Revisited. Has anyone seen either and could make a recommendation?

People are Strange

People baffle me. I don't understand how the human brain works. I see people on the train and am rendered dumbstruck at what I encounter in mankind.

I was looking at this man, say, in his forties. A fairly regular sort of guy. He had gone bald so had wisely opted to shave completely. I mean a real close shave, so there was no sign whatsoever of stubble. I stared, marveling at this pristine scalp. It was amazingly shiny, to the extent that I almost had to avert my eyes. Not only could I see my own reflection, but I also caught glimpses of my future in there. I would even go as far as to say that I could eat my lunch off that chrome dome without even gagging, it was in such immaculate condition.

But you see, this is where I become baffled. Scan down the forehead a little and this man has the most unruly, ridiculously long and crazy eyebrows. Not just thick, but like a prickly brier patch pouring out of his face, each strand with a mind of it's own, sort of Medusa-esque. And to the point where his vision is probably getting impaired.

So what I am left with is the hard task of reconciling how a man can love his scalp to such an extent, whilst paying no heed and utterly neglecting what is literally right before his eyes. I came to the conclusion that it must be some sort of split personality disorder, where this poor man has these Hyde eyebrows constantly working against his Jekyll scalp.

My bafflement turned to pity.

The Trinity In A New Day

..God the Father and Creator, who has preserved our life through the dark night and wakened us to a new day, God the Son and Saviour, who conquered death and hell for us and dwells in our midst as Victor, God the Holy Spirit, who pours the bright gleam of God's Word into our hearts at the dawn of the day..

--Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Bubba Mac

We went for our 19 week ultrasound yesterday, and got to see Bubba Mac rolling about, and see the little heart beating away. It was really great. It made it all feel a bit more real, to have a visual image of this new little wondrous person growing.

All seems to be going smoothly, and we are extremely thankful and excited.

Man Up

I'm feeling a lot better today. So far Disprin-less and happy. It's been a pretty crap few days, I just haven't been able to shake these strong headaches. It's hard to think about anything else. The doctor said to go to the optometrist and get a check up. Maybe I need glasses. Wow, I wonder what life would hold for me, as a bespectacled man.

Anyway, I'm loving this warm, headache-free Friday.

Thursday Peanuts

Man Down

Sorry, no posts... at home with this non-stop migraine thing. Going to the doctor today.

Have a good one.

Miserable Lives?

Somebody left a Telegraph on the train this morning, so I picked it up for a quick skim. On the front page was a picture of the coffin of Imam Samudra, one of the Bali bombers, being carried along.

The big headline read Let Them Fade From View, and the subheading, Victims seek peace as three cowards finally pay for evil with their miserable lives.

This struck me as being very emotionally charged for a headline, and got me thinking about the wording. It seems interesting that they would be described as having 'miserable lives' when what seemed to really boil peoples' blood about them (myself included) is that they didn't seem miserable at all. Every time we saw them, they were smiling, laughing and mocking. There was no visible remorse at all.

I wonder if underneath the bravado and blind devotion to their cause they were really miserable? On the surface the only ones that seem miserable are the victims of their actions.

Hey, I'm Important Too, You Know

Anyone know who this guy is?

No? What about this guy?

Poor old John Key, the new PM for New Zealand. You gotta feel a little overshadowed..

Book Group II: Week One

Hello and welcome to Book Group. Nice to have you along. Well, having read chapter one of Life Together, and having been pretty impressed, there are a lot of things that I could talk about, but in the interest of not writing a 2km post, I'll just pick up on two things that struck me.

What Determines Our Brotherhood

What determines our brotherhood is what that man is by reason of Christ. Our community with one another consists solely in what Christ has done to both of us. This is true not merely at the beginning, as though in the course of time something else were to be added to our community; it remains so for all the future and to all eternity. (p.25)

So if it is Christ, and Christ alone that determines that you and I are 'brothers', why am I always striving and searching for common ground between us? I am always on the look out at for people I might be able to connect with, based on similar interests, stages of life, personalities, and I get despondent if I don't find those connections.

But in doing this I am making my own rules for Christian community, and coming up with my own criteria as to whether or not we will 'connect'. In vainly and selfishly searching for these criteria, I am overlooking and taking for granted the 'one and only thing that is vital between us' (p.26)

This fits in well with Con's sermon yesterday on Ephesians 4. He was talking about unity of all the diverse parts that make up the body of Christ (ie, the church), and that while each part has a different role, they are all equally important and equally necessary. So when I am imagining my perfect little church of people who I get on with, and click with, and who have similar interests and thought processes, I'm not thinking of a body of varied parts learning to work together, I'm thinking of a body of me's, a body made up of elbows! Yikes.

Divided But Bound Together

(Spiritual love) will respect the line that has been drawn between him and us by Christ, and it will find full fellowship with him in the Christ who alone binds us together. (p.36)

I found this to be an intriguing sort of paradox- that while we will always be 'separate' in that we have Christ standing between us; by this very same thing we are brought closer together than we ever could be were He not, and were we just trying to love each other on human terms. The thing between us brings us together.

This made me think of my marriage. There have been times in the past when I was tempted to love my wife above all else. But if this were the case, and if I dared to love her more than I love Jesus, then He would not be that third strand binding us together, and our marriage would only be surviving on human love. What a scary thought, for my marriage to have to survive only on my own shallow attempts at love and faithfulness. By loving Jesus more than my wife, I love my wife far more than I could otherwise.

Anyway, how did you find the chapter? What struck you, what and questions did it raise for you?

For Next Week-- Read Chapter 2.

I Am Not Your Pillow

Poor fella sitting next to me on the bus this morning must have had a late night, because he kept trying to fall asleep on my shoulder.

Now, I don't really understand how it could come about that you would find yourself with somebody asleep on your shoulder. If somebody is starting to make themselves comfortable, are you really just going to let them? Are you just going to sit there and allow it to happen? Where does it end? Bus spooning?

No, I have a very rigid zero tolerance policy for such behaviour. My shoulder is a no-go zone. I watch carefully from my peripheral vision as the sleeping party gradually starts to lean towards me and then as soon as I feel even a slight hint of physical contact, BAM! My elbow moves into action. No room at this inn, nap-boy.

Oh man, this guy was having a pretty rough time though. Swaying and leaning all over the place, he just couldn't stay awake. Drift, drift, drift, sleep, ELBOW! AWAKE! Drift, drift, drift, ELBOW! I almost felt sorry for him, but you have to stick to your guns with these things. You let one person camp out, and next thing you know you've got leaners coming out of the woodwork to rest up. Nope, not on my watch.

Thursday Peanuts

We Are Many

Is it just me, or when you see a Legion Cab do you picture a herd of possessed taxis all hurtling down a grassy slope towards a lake?

The Path of Your Commands

Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. (1 Corinthians 9:26)

I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free (Psalms 119:32)

I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths.
When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble. (Proverbs 4:11-12)

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Three Ways To Go

I became very down in the dumps last night, and had a bit of a sook about some stuff. It was good though, as I was able to talk through it with E and with some mates. Some stuff had been brewing away below the surface, and something small just sort of triggered it to come out. I'm glad that it did.

When I'm faced with pain, I think there are three ways that I can go, after the initial wave of sadness passes. The first way I could go is to sink into despair, and wallow in depressing thoughts. If I go this way, it is usually not for very long. Not because I'm great at picking myself up, but because I want to get the heck out of that sad place as quick as I can, not wanting to hurt any more than I have to.

I think this is a good quality, that I am thankful for. But, from there I don't choose the best way to go. I very quickly opt then for the second way, which I think is the cause of a whole lot of my trouble. When the thing surfaces (yet again- it happens in cycles), it sort of works like a pressure valve. I immediately feel a little better, and so I push it all back down again, and preoccupy myself with other things. I don't face the issue but avoid it, procrastinate about it and remain fearful of it.

The third way I can go is the best way, and the only good way. To go to God about the issue, though it hurts to think about it and dwell on it. To ask Him for the strength to do something about it and take the first step in changing the situation.

I am determined to go this way this time. I have people holding me accountable who are going to check up on me, which hopefully will be the incentive I need to get going. I need to start running towards something instead of wallowing or running away. I really don't feel that I can run away anymore.

R.I.P, Nibblies

Boy. It was a bad idea to skip lunch. Those were some sorry nibblies. Some little squiggle of raw meat whacked in a slither of Lebanese bread, the perfect bite size for a baby with a tiny mouth. Some semi-cooked mystery meat meatballs the texture of warm, wet sawdust. A frozen prawn on some slimy bit of curried egg.

Now don't think me ungrateful, but I really mourn the days of the decent nibblies. These days it's all little tiny portions of weird, uncooked, slimy things that look like the scrapings from the vegetable compartment of your fridge. More expensive, less filling, not nice tasting. Or even worse, fruit and meat. Together.

What is wrong with the tried and true? Grab a forty pack of sausage rolls and party pies from Woollies, a few mini frankfurts, maybe some cheese on Jatz. Awww, man, what I wouldn't give for a few cheese on Jatz right now.

And no egg sandwiches? Is this a joke? I'm not laughing.

Thought vs. Deception

The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways,
but the folly of fools is deception.

--Proverbs 14:8

Cup Day

Few things light my fire less than the Melbourne Cup. There are so many things about it that annoy me. Pretend celebs posing in dumb hats and borrowed jewelery. Annoying drunk people throwing away their money on bets. Weird little men with funny voices riding horses with silly names.

(Yikes it just hit me that I probably could have become one of those men..)

At my work they have a nibblies and drinks thing upstairs where everyone from the company trudges up to watch the race. I don't mind this part of it. There are two pretty big pros that go along way towards outweighing the cons:

1. Free food
2. An excuse to stop work

I don't know whether criticising the whole thing, only to then join in is being hypocritical or being 'all things to all people'. I won't bet or get drunk, but can I not throw down a few free egg sandwiches and have a beer?

What do you do during the Melbourne Cup?

Book Group II: Week 0

This is just a bit of an introductory post to let you know the plan. I got the book on the weekend (thanks Drew), and was pretty chuffed at its slimness. I'm all for slimness. We can do the book in five weeks, as there are only that many chapters.

Like last time, I'll post each Monday about the previous weeks' chapter. So the plan is to read Chapter I, 'Community' this week, and I will post on Monday (the 10th).

As you read, maybe be on the lookout for quotes or ideas you find interesting or challenging so we can discuss them. It should be really good, I'm looking forward to it.

I Once Was Sick

Well, to quote Aerosmith, I'm back in the saddle again. I didn't blog yesterday because I was sick and had a day off from work. I tried to log on at home but by the time the page actually loaded I had four grandchildren and was planning my retirement party. Don't worry, I don't really know what that means either.

I got run down by the end of the weekend (it was really full), and on Sunday night got all fevery and wrecked. Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good this morning, and am happy to have hurdled the Mondayitis day at work. Woohoo for three day weekends.