Song Of The Week

'Birds'

Neil Young (1970)

Listen--

Uneven Keel

How do you become a person who is not so affected by what other people think?

I desire this quality so much. I don't mean arrogance, but just in that you can stay even and not have your confidence shaken by the little things that people say and do. I wish I had an even keel, and was not so tossed around by every tiny wave that hits.

Something's Wrong With This Picture

We saw Slumdog Millionaire last weekend, and thought it was a good film. I was pretty troubled though when yesterday I read that when filming had finished, the child stars went back to live under a bit of canvas next to an open sewer.

I'm not really tsk-tsking, because I don't really know what the solution would be. It's naive to think you could just give these couple of kids a mansion to live in, and Bob's your Uncle. What about the family? Extended family? Friends? Education? Food?

But still, it just seems so wrong. They fly the kids over for the Oscars this week, and people stand and applaud them... but then the day after their just dumped back in a slum.

Typo

In the back of my Bible where it lists Jesus' parables, there's a typo, and it lists "Lamb under a bowl" rather than "lamp".

Whistle In

What do you whistle?

I like to whistle Rhapsody In Blue.

I never really get past about the 1:20 minute mark though.

Little E And Self Belief

My little girl has just started saying 'I did it!', when she manages to do something she struggled with before.

I love hearing her say it, and the tone of voice she uses. She sounds really excited, and proud of herself.

Good on you, Little e.

Thursday Peanuts

Speech Diary

It was very good to get back to the clinic yesterday. It was like a footy team finally getting to half time and being able to talk to their coach, after losing the game plan in the first half. (Wow, I could totally be a sports writer).

I feel more grounded now, and know what I need to do to get back on track. I was also encouraged to hear that everyone had also struggled in this first week out. They also made me see I'm too hard on myself, and that even my worst talking moments of the week have been far better than my best times before the course.

I got to see my before and after video, which just blew me away. I guess I didn't realise just how drastic the change was. I was amazed at how bad I was, and just how sad, defeated, and tense I looked. Hunched shoulders, no eye contact, big facial contortions with every stutter.

To cut to the video of Friday afternoon, I just looked very different-- no stuttering, relaxed, composed, looking at the camera. Wow.

Gee Enn Double Ewe

The one thing that I like less than looking at that smug little beady-eyed host dude on the show Good News Week, are the ads for the show, where the sultry voiced channel 10 lady calls it "G.N.W".

This abbreviation is completely fine if you are going to write it, but in saying it out loud, you're turning a three syllable name into a five syllable one!! Wake up to yourself!!! Abbreviation means MAKE SHORTER!!

Okay, I may have anger management issues, but this kind of stuff eats me up inside.

Speech Diary- First Follow Up

Got my first follow up session this afternoon. Looking forward to seeing everyone again, and working through some of the difficulties that have already cropped up.

I think we are watching 'before and after' videos of us on a big screen.. Confronting, but exciting.

Heady Days As A Euphoniumist

I passed some joker yesterday busking "Summertime" on a tuba. What could be more appropriate for this subtle, lilting, sultry number than a tuba?

This made me remember my childhood foray into the Euphonium. Have you ever met a Euphoniumist? But always wanted to? Your dreams have now been fulfilled.

I don't remember how I ended up getting stuck with this silly looking wannabe tuba thing. Maybe I got in too late, and that was the only instrument left. I'd have to lug it to school, and it was about two thirds the size of me. No, I didn't get teased at all.

I was pretty bad at it, but I remember my one crowning moment. It was the end of year concert. I was playing in the school band, and had a big number in which to prove my skills. The song consisted of about three pages of music, and I'd highlighted the only four notes that I had in the whole song.

Somehow I got sidetracked as I waited for my notes to come along, looking out with swelling pride at the big audience, and maybe missed the first two. But, oh, those final two notes? Nailed 'em.

It's sad in a way. Had I persisted I could have aspired to this, and been able to wear this. Not to be, not to be.

The Sound of Unlocking

I didn't put up a song of the week last week, but this song was definitely it. Riding home on the bus after the course, I started crying listening to it, and had to put my sunnies on to hide it. I mean really crying.

'This is not the sound of a new man, or crispy realisation
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.'

It just somehow conveyed everything I was feeling.

You Know It Completely

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

--Psalm 139:4

Into The Wild

E and I watched Into The Wild the other night. I really liked it.

It was pretty tragic, and you can definitely argue that it is completely selfish and self-centred to abandon your life and live alone, but still, there is something that really appeals to me about the idea. Being alone, living off the land, having no money because you don't need any.

Speech Diary- Worst Enemy

I think I'm going to be my own worst enemy with my speech stuff. I am finding that I am having pretty irrational expectations of myself. Yesterday I did really well at work, having some really fluent conversations with several people.

Then, at lunch time someone asked me a question, and in my two sentence reply I lost my technique and had some stutters. By the evening I was really, really down. I'd let those few little setbacks really get to me. I need to always highlight to myself the little victories, and not get disheartened so easily.

Disconcerted #2: The Double-Cross

You know what else disconcerts me? Women who cross their legs a second time, putting the foot behind the ankle.

I am pro crossed leg, but I don't understand the need for turning a modest gesture into this horrific contortion.

Are any of you double-crossers? Why? Can it really be comfortable? It can't. I don't even know how it is physically possible. I just gave it a burl under my desk, and it can't be done (and I am a very flexible bloke--I can scratch my head with my foot without using my hands, like a dog).

ps- Please appreciate that I Googled long and hard to find that picture.

Disconcerted #1: Her Butt For Him

You know what disconcerts me? Men who have women's bottoms.

You are walking behind some bloke, and you just sense that something isn't quite right. It's hard to pin point exactly what's wrong, but the tell tale signs are a bit too much of a sway with each step, and a little too much width in the hip.

Now, I know you are thinking I'm being ridiculous, or nasty, but I'm really not. I just believe in everything in it's right place. And these types don't do themselves any favours either. What they want is a straight-legged jean, and a jacket that covers the offending area. It's not rocket science. Instead they wear a strange, high-waisted trouser with little pleats. This should not be.

On a side note, these are also usually the kind of guys who shave half an inch too high around the ears, but don't get me started on that.

Separation Anxiety

I have been experiencing this bizarre feeling of separation anxiety since the course last week. It was an unusual and intense situation to be in - there were eight of us 'clients', and about 20 'clinicians' (all female 3rd year uni students) and five supervisors.

We (the stutterers) were totally outnumbered, and all day every day I had this crew of people listening, helping, supporting, advising me. It is really strange how much I miss them now, and wish they were still here to help me through the days. I guess this is the start of the next step, where you sort of need to go it alone. Eek.

A New Man

Hello. It's nice to be back. I hope you guys have had a good week. It's been a pretty amazing week for me. Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words and prayers, I really appreciate it. And the prayers worked!

The speech therapy course went really well, and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to do it. It was an exhausting week-- I would have spoken more in those five days than in the past five years, I reckon. But all the hard work was worth it. The point I'm at now is far from perfect, but also a far cry from where I was on Monday morning.

I learnt the techniques of 'smooth speech' early on, and then spent the rest of the week just practicing and getting my speed and naturalness up. I really came a long way-- from being an introverted, tense person unable to get a couple of words out without blocking on Monday, to Friday when we went to a big shopping centre and I had to spend a couple of hours going from shop to shop, striking up conversations with strangers. And I reckon only a couple of those would have picked that I had a stutter. So, it was really a hugely liberating, empowering experience.

Back in the real world now, without a horde of clinicians around me it certainly isn't as easy. I make slip ups and get pretty disheartened, and it's really hard to maintain the techniques and coordinate everything-- it requires a great deal of planning and concentration for each sentence. But I'm just doing my best, and trying to push through disappointments and keep going forward.

My goal is to never go back to where I was, and in order to make that happen, I need to work hard every single day, basically for ever. Completely difficult and unending, but far, far better than stuttering through every sentence, rarely getting out a fraction of what I really want to say. Absolutely worth it. Anyway, I didn't want to write some massive essay about this, but I couldn't help it. It's hard to sum up such a life changing week in a paragraph. It's hard to explain how big it feels. I really feel like a new person, not just in my speech, but in my whole outlook. It feels bloody good!

The Last Post For A Bit

This will probably be my last post for a week or so.

On Monday I begin my intensive speech therapy course, and want to just concentrate solely on that for the week. The course runs for a week, and then I go back for a weekly session for the following seven weeks. I'll be in the course each day, 9-5 and then have 'home work' as well each night, so I'm thinking I won't have time for much else.

Here's a random list of how I'm feeling about it--

1. Glad the wait is over, and that I can just get stuck into it.

2. Apprehensive. Fearful of tackling this big thing, and beginning something that is going to be a lot of hard work for a long, long time to come.

3. Happy that things are going to be different, no matter what.

4. Daunted by other people's expectations of me. I'm not going to come out 'cured', just with a new way of managing my stutter. I fear seeing people's expression of 'oh, I thought you'd come out sounding better than that'.

5. So thankful for my beautiful, patient, supportive E.

6. Excited about what the changes will probably be: Not being terrified of the phone, my heart sinking and my palms sweating every time it rings. Being bolder in talking to those around me, expressing myself more. Praying out loud. Ordering the food that I want rather than pointing to something I don't want because it's easier. Knowing I'm doing what I can to tackle my short-comings rather than being conquered by them.

7. Exposed. Having all these people knowing what I'm doing, and asking about something that has always been under lock and key, too private to talk about.

8. Very grateful for how supportive everyone's been.

9. Kinda emotional.

10. Trusting in God.

11. Happy.

I'd appreciate your prayers, and look forward to telling you how it goes. Have a great week, friends.

Song Of The Week

'What's A Girl To Do?'

Bat For Lashes (2007)

Listen--

Thursday Peanuts

Job

How painful are honest words!
But what do your arguments prove?
Do you mean to correct what I say,
and treat the words of a despairing man as wind?

--Job 6:25-26

The Language That Transcends Race and Religion

A young Muslim bloke from Singapore is working in our studio for a few weeks. You'd think we might not have a lot in common to talk about, right?

Au contraire, dear reader. This morning we discovered a common love- Iron Maiden, and are now friends.

Heavy Metal-- bringing people together since 1970.

I'm A Singer Too!

Well, these truly are dark days that we are living in. Apparently Paris Hilton has approached Paul McCartney about doing a duet together.

She wandered up to him at a party and said, "I'd love to do a duet with you. I'm a singer too and have had an album out."

More On Dog People

Do you suppose it is wrong to wage a vendetta against dog people? That's good, I don't either.

So, I was watching Oprah the other day in my lunch break (sad, I know), and the show was basically a big memorial tribute to her recently deceased dog, whose name was something cute like Fifi, or Miffy, or Tofu, or something. It was the most appalling thing I have seen on tele in a long time, and it put me right off my lunch.

They cut to a long, slow-motion montage of the 'good times', set to some sort of Wind Beneath My Wings-esque boo-hoo ballad. Oprah and Tofu frolicking in the park. Oprah and Tofu picnicking. Oprah and Tofu kissing on the lips (I kid you not). (Do dogs have lips?).

After the montage, we cut back to a sobbing Oprah, and an applauding, teary audience. Ope's goes 'go to a commercial, go to a commercial!' It was all just too much for her.

Now don't think me hard-hearted. I don't mind dogs, and if one dies, that is very sad. But please, Dog People, know where to draw the line. In Matthew 7:6 it says 'do not give to dogs what is sacred'. This includes slow-motion montages.

Paul

For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

--1 Corinthians 4:7

A Line, Not A Gulf

It's comforting to think that there is a great gulf between the 'good' and the 'bad' people of this world.

We can comfortably condemn the bad people, and comfortably excuse ourselves. We aren't as bad as them, simple as that. But there really is no gulf, in my opinion, just a thin line. People are people, a step away from being heroic, a step away from being villainous.

I agree with Malcolm Turnbull who yesterday said that in the midst of the Victoria bushfire's we have seen the best in people. We really have. One guy, though burnt, and having just watched everything he owned burn to the ground, spent the next six hours driving around looking for neighbours to help, looking for other homes to protect.

At the same time, looters have gone in to evacuated houses, taking this opportunity to prey on the weak, stealing from those who are teetering on the edge of great loss and devastation.

This is terrible, and we rightly condemn these people. Similarly, we rightly praise those who show such courage and selflessness. But we also need sober judgement to know our own place. How often are we selfless? How often do we do deplorable things, or at least scheme them in our hearts? How far are we really from taking a step this way or that?

When we puff up with pride in our own righteousness, that's when we lose balance and fall. When we know our sinful state and our desperate reliance on our powerful God, that's when we can stand firm, with an anchor for our soul.

My Interest Is Waining

England got bowled out for 51.

That's everyone in the team. For 51. In a test match.

Umm..

Bad Night

I'm feeling pretty spaced out today. I had a rough night-- not much sleep but lots of sleep walking. I vaguely remember wandering about in the kitchen, and in the lounge room as well.

I also remember E saying to me 'are you awake?' on one of my return trips back to the bedroom, and me being very offended. 'Yes!'

Nope.

On Blogging

This post by onlinesoph made me think about what I like in a blog, and I realise it's variety. I have a bit of a short attention span, so I don't really want to be reading about one thing every day. I remember when I set up my blog, some advice I read was to choose one tight little niche, write about that subject regularly, and you will build a readership up from there.

I didn't really want to do that, as there is not one niche I wanted to write about every day. Sometimes I want to talk about the bible, sometimes I want to talk about heavy metal. Mostly I want to gabble on about some stupid thing that has nothing to do with anything.

Maybe this is shooting yourself in the foot, because no one's going to be interested in reading about all those things, and will not want to read regularly. But does it really matter that much? I would think it's more important to say what you want to say, rather than formulate some route that will get you more readers.

The Big Day In

Yesterday, the whole of the Sydney Anglican Diocese linked up and shared the same service, watching on screens Peter Jensen speak from Kellyville. I thought it was a good idea, and thought Peter Jensen's talk was really great, touching on what has definitely been in my heart, regarding the Connect 09 mission later in the year.

He said the two biggest things standing in our way are a fear of rejection, and a fear of not having the right things to say. He also said that these things can be overcome.

Victoria

Victoria is in a terrible way with 31 bushfire's burning over the state. The last I heard the death toll is now over a hundred, and it's being called Australia's worst natural disaster-- worse than Black Friday in 1939, and worse than Ash Wednesday in 1983.

The devastation is massive, and the fires move so quickly, just wiping out whole streets of houses in minutes. I feel so sad for all the people being affected down there. What should we, as a neighbouring state be doing?

photo- Jason South

Fizzer

Well, yesterday's supposed heatwave turned out to be a bit of an anti-climax. Sydney was going to be 'the hottest place on Earth', but I highly doubt that was the case. It was hot, but not unbearable.

We had a nice afternoon at the pool, just lazing about in the water, and then went to air-conditioned Macca's for dinner.

You Do The Math(s)

Hello. Your friendly neighbourhood consumer watchdog here. I noticed in the supermarket this morning that Kellogg's are selling these little individual tubs of breakfast cereal. The tubs are very small-- only 30g, and they cost $2.08 each.

Beside these tubs were average size boxes of the same cereal. I did a bit of calculating and found that if I were to buy enough tubs to get the same quantity as a box (which costs $5.50), I would have to shell out about $30. This is insane! Who would buy these tiny tubs? It made me angry to think of it.

What I'd like to do is stake out that shopping aisle and if anyone picked up one of those tubs I would leap out and slap some sense into them.

Sunday Spurgeon

"The dove found no rest out of the ark, and therefore returned to it; and my soul has learned yet more fully than ever, this day, that there is no satisfaction to be found in earthly things- God alone can give rest to my spirit.

As to my business, my possessions, my family, my attainments, these are all well enough in their way, but they cannot fulfil the desires of my immortal nature."

Song Of The Week

'He Doesn't Know Why'

Fleet Foxes (2008)

Listen--

Sun-Day

Sunday is tipped to reach tops of 47 degrees. This is beserk. I wouldn't be surprised if the Indian Ocean had something to do with it. Jerk.

How can we get through this day from hell? First thing is to find somewhere air conditioned, but from there the options become limited. Do we really want to drive around a boiling car park for half an hour in order to squeeze into a crowded shopping centre for the millionth time?

Seeing a long movie would be a good option, but toddlers aren't real great at sitting still and keeping quiet for more than four minutes. The beach? The pool? So crowded, and a million other people trying to get there too.

What other options are there? Any ideas?

Thursday Peanuts

Stimul-me, Stimul-you, Stimul-US!

Well, the stimulus package is looking a little more certain, after a 15 hour debate in parliament through the night. 15 hours!! That would have been a barrel of laughs to attend. Anyway, the most important thing is that I'm one step closer to my giant hamburger.

Out of interest, you know how the Opposition's argument against the package is that it will have a negative affect on the next generation (because of high taxes or something), how does that work? Is this a valid argument?

Know Your Enemy

I always thought there was something a bit dodgy about the Indian Ocean. It just sort of sat there looking all innocent, but you sort of sensed there was something going on there.

As it turns out, Old Mr Harmless Indian Ocean could be the main cause of the droughts and floods in Australia. Everyone flew off the handle and wanted to string up poor old Hole (of ozone layer fame), but really the true culprit has been sitting right under our noses all along, living amongst us.

X and Y

Yesterday I discovered that the supposed cut off for Gen X is 1977, and that Gen Y began in 1978.

This concerns me. I was born in 1977, and E was born in 1978. So really we are from different generations. We may as well be from different worlds.

While she's watching blue-ray, and talking in text speak, saying things like 'LOL' and 'IMHO', and generally being hip and now, I'm here eating boiled lollies, reminiscing about the good old days of rationing, and saying things like 'goodness gracious me' and 'heavens to betsy'. How can we live?

$950

Contentment

Bible Study was great last night. We were talking about contentment, and Pete showed us this great list (thanks Craig) by EB Pusey--

1.Allow yourself to complain of nothing, not even the weather.

2.Never picture yourself to yourself under any circumstances in which you are not.

3.Never compare your own lot with that of another.

4.Never allow yourself to dwell on the wish that this or that had been, or were, otherwise than it was, or is. God Almighty loves you better and more wisely than you do yourself.

5.Never dwell on the morrow. Remember that it is God's, not yours. The heaviest part of sorrow often is to look forward to it. The Lord will provide.

A Question

I read yesterday that the Government are going to be giving out these one-off handout things in order to help the economy. For example, if you are on less than 80k a year, that you will get a payment of $950. If my memory serves me correctly the sum decreases as the wages go up.

I am not at all economically minded, and I was wondering how this all works. This is a genuine question-- how does doing this boost the economy? How would me getting $950 help anything?

Venus and Mars

Sometimes I realise just how different men and women can be. What appeals to one, can seem so foreign and unappealing to the other.

Packed into a train this morning, I was standing behind a woman who was enthralled in a big fat book called 'P.S- I Love You', which on the cover showed an attractive couple laying blissfully in bed, with a little sticker saying 'now a major motion picture'. Everything about that book was unappealing to me. The picture, the design, the lettering, the title. Everything.

Meanwhile, I was listening to a heavy metal song in my headphones called 'Ride The Lightning', which is about a guy who is being sent to the electric chair. Very fast, very loud, long frantic guitar solos. Everything about that appealed to me.

Now, I'm not the blokiest bloke you'll ever meet (I don't really like action movies and my favourite singer of all time is Kate Bush), and obviously there are big exceptions, but on the whole, it seems like we are just drawn to very different things. Don't you think it's a wonder that we get along at all?

Nothing's Changed

I've mentioned before that I spent my early years on Groote Eylandt, off the coast of the Northern Territory. My memories of the place are like lots of little dreams. But they are happy dreams.

Last night I came across a letter that my Dad had written to some friends back home in Sydney, dated April 8th, 1979. I was interested to see a brief paragraph about me--

Ben wanders around the yard with very little, if anything on and seems to be fairly contented except for continual diarrhea that he can't seem to shake off.

Thirty years later, the only thing that's changed is that I don't have a yard.

New Mercies, Morning By Morning

I love the words by Thomas Chisolm to this old hymn--

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.


Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

No Public Holidays?

An evil little bird told me that the Anzac Day public holiday, and maybe even the Boxing Day public holiday are going to be axed this year. Is this true? Please say it ain't so..

What is the reasoning behind this? It falls on a weekend so we don't need it? This is poor form. Without these little oasis's (what is the plural of oasis... oaseez?) dotted throughout the working year to get me through, how can I go on? It's simple- I can't.

Buzzcut

The heat got too much for me and I gave myself a buzzcut last night. It was worth it, but still that is a tough 20 minutes-- standing in a 30 degree bathroom, covered in hair and dripping with sweat. A very nasty business.

Dethroned

The Nads takes out the Feds..

Sunday Spurgeon

'Learn to reject pride, seeing that thou hast no ground for it. Whatever thou art, thou hast nothing to make thee proud.

The more thou hast, the more thou art in debt to God; and thou shouldst not be proud of that which renders thee a deptor.'