What you doing tonight? I have a scary feeling that I am going to be watching 'Beaches' with E. It's on tele. It's like the excruciating pain of listening to 'The Wind Beneath My Wings', except stretched out to two hours.
Never seen it, but it looks like everything I wouldn't like to see, ever. But if I watch it, maybe I can use that as leverage to get E to watch Jaws II with me tomorrow night..
I just had a good daydream between that last paragraph and this one, where Jaws comes up to the Beach where Bette Midler and her mate are boo-hooing and gobbles them up. Now there's a movie.
Only an hour later, but feeling a lot better and very different. Resentment, anger, frustration, bitterness, jealousy... all these ugly things can just envelope me if I let them.
When I pray, it starts off more like I'm telling God about all the stuff I'm angry about, all the stuff that is making me feel such and such. It's all poor me, poor me, poor me, and the blame is always on everybody except me.
But it really doesn't take long for me to see how way off my thinking is, how ridiculous that I, the 'worst of sinners' should have the nerve to complain about anyone else. It's all about planks and specks, being thankful, and humbling yourself. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
Feeling kind of blue and chizzy today, which is why I'm not doing a whole lot of posting. I'll go for a walk at lunch and try and get my silly head sorted out.
Can you see the pictures on my blog? For some reason I can only see a bunch of blank rectangles with a little cross in each corner.. Has my work blocked me from seeing my own blog pictures? Ouch. Where to from there?
Whelp, till I have something constructive to say, goodbye.
I heard a phrase that really makes sense to me-- Don't argue yourself out of conviction.
I am realising more and more how God puts things on my heart, through the Spirit, and for a reason. Not to brush them away and talk myself out of them.
Recently He put something on my heart, and I felt very convicted and pushed to do a certain thing. This scared the heck out of me, and for a week I prayed about it and tried to convince God it wasn't a real crash hot idea. It seemed crazy, and risky, and looked to me like it could all end terribly.
I put my well-thought out case before Him, and decided I had won the argument, and tried to move on. But He kept persisting, so eventually I threw my hands up and did it.
It was hard, and caused pain. It was a difficult thing to get through. But immediately I felt assured that it was a good thing, was the right thing, and now I am full of relief and thankfulness that God put that conviction on my heart. What was in danger of being damaged has been healed and strengthened.
Note to self: Don't argue with God. He knows better.
'God didn't become a man, be tempted in every way as you are, yet be without sin, go to the cross, die for your sin, rise from death, conquer Satan, sin and death so you could cuss people out and go to the strip club. That's not the point. You say, 'but I'm saved by grace'. Yeah, to good works.
Jesus didn't get out of the grave so that you could download pornography from the internet, so that you could gossip about your friends, so you could get drunk, so you could cuss people out, so you could worship yourself and get all angry and bitter at God, because He doesn't do what you tell Him to do.
Here's what we want. We want Jesus to forgive us, and be a good boy and do what He's told, and maintain our status as God. So we get angry when He doesn't do what we tell Him to do. And then there's a conflict between Gods. God, I'm disappointed in You, You're not very compliant. You're supposed to be a good boy and do what you're told.
this just isn't right. It's not that God belongs to you, it's that you belong to God. It's not that you exist so that God can glorify you, it's that you exist so that you can glorify God.'
If my blog was a mother of young children, it would be having what is commonly referred to as a Pyjama Day.
This is when things feel hard and even getting out of your jarmies is an effort, so you leave them on and don't go outside all day. My blog is having that feeling and will most likely spend the day in front of Doctor Phil with a spoon and a tub of cookies and cream ice cream.
There's probably lots of heady matters to discuss and post about, but I don't wanna.
E and I were discussing last night what we would do today if we had the day to ourselves, to do whatever we wanted. This was my day--
-wake up at 7am, read in bed till 8 -walk to Croydon and have a big breakfast at a cafe -catch a train in to town and trawl through second-hand comic shops until lunch time -Large Big Mac meal -more trawling through comics -go and snooze in Hyde Park for an hour at afternoon tea with a take-away coffee -go to the cinemas and watch a horror movie, preferably something Gothic and including ghosts and maybe a seance. -go to JB-HIFI and buy Conan The Barbarian and Conan The Destroyer -catch the bus home, and get beer and take-away Thai on the way. Green Curry Chicken. -eat my Thai and drink my beer and watch Conan The Barbarian and Conan The Destroyer consecutively -smoke a cigar and drink a cup of tea -go to bed and fall asleep reading my second-hand comics.
We are planning on buying a new one, but don't really know whee to start. We were thinking along the lines of those ones with the biggish lens that look a bit like the old SLR's. We want something that takes a nice photo, but not too pricey (under $500).
The Google logo today has a Mary Cassat painting stuck in there, celebrating her birthday. She was an American Impressionist, and pretty much all of her paintings depict mothers with little kiddo's.
While the subject matter is not hugely down my alley, there's something that appeals to me about her paintings. I like that the kids aren't painted like little still cherubs, but like the squirming, awkward to handle, but still cute little creatures they are.
The thing that has really struck me about the public outrage about the whole Johns incident is that the argument is so vehement, but really, so flimsy. It all rests on consent, as though what happened was only wrong if it was not consensual. This really for me shows that morality is pretty meaningless outside of God.
Two quotes I read this morning on Craig's' blog made the point well--
'On a more deeper level the episode shows the black hole our society has fallen into by building its sexual ethic around the concept of consent. There are circumstances where the power dynamic is so uneven that consent is not possible.' --Jeremy Halcrow
'I don't get how they (the media) can spend every minute cheapening sex and then condemn people for taking the next logical step.' --Nathan
I don't want to just jump on the bandwagon and have a rant about the Matthew Johns thing, but I just wanted to share something I read this morning that stood out to me. It was from the ACA interview last night with Johns and his wife, and his wife Trish said-- 'His greatest crime is actually being unfaithful to me as his wife and I feel that it's only for me to judge him.'
I think you could argue round and round about whether or not that night in 2002 was consensual, but my take would be that the only one true innocent party in the whole situation was his wife, and I agree with her, that his infidelity to her was his greatest crime.
I don't think this has been reflected in the media coverage, where the chief victim has been the girl identified as 'Clare', and the head demon, Johns.
I've been wondering lately if I am fostering a tomboy in Little e.
Right from the beginning, she and I have tickled and wrestled, thrown each other about, and generally beat each other up. From time to time I have gotten a tsk tsk from people who have thought I was too rough with her, seeing as though she's a girl, but in my mind I have always just done what felt natural, and disregarded the tsk's.
E hasn't criticised, but I guess she thinks maybe a little more care should be taken to avoid the occasional tears or bruises. My take on that is that my bruises heal fairly quickly, and I generally don't cry for very long. And there's an unspoken understanding between little e and I that this comes with the territory. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
But I was wondering, well, if I had had a boy first, and then had little e, would I now treat her differently? Would I have gotten the rough-and-tumble stuff out of my system with the boy, and then treated little e like a dainty little princess? Or have I just responded to her being a pretty robust, strong natured little kid, and done what was appropriate with her?
People need to seriously study up harder on their bus etiquette.
Rule #47, Section 3 clearly states that if you take the passenger seat, the corresponding window view is out of bounds, and you'll need to be satisfied with what you can see through the window in front.
You can't sit the whole time with your head turned directly sideways, three inches from the person who has rightfully claimed the window seat, looking at the view just past his nose, or just behind his ear.
This is disconcerting, and makes your fellow passenger decidedly edgy. He will find it very difficult to read his book, and will likely gag at the regular gusts of your warm, unattended-to morning breath.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.
The imagery and sentiment of this verse (like Psalm 73:22, 'I was senseless and ignorant;I was a brute beast before you')cuts very close to the bone for me, and comes as a timely rebuke when I read it.
This is exactly how I feel when I am allowing myself to be led by my sinful nature- like a dumb, brute beast who has no self control, no feeling, no remorse, no thought. When everything crumbles down around me as a result, I turn back to God, but only then.
Only when I feel that pain of the bit and bridle being pulled do I stop and think again with sober judgement. And there is no reason or excuse for me reducing myself to that. I was not made an animal, I was made in the image of God.
1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
Through Jesus my sins are forgiven, because the just punishment rightly aimed at me is redirected on to Him. From that point on, Jesus' righteousness is imputed to me, and when God looks at me, He only sees Jesus standing in my place.
My sins are covered. But for this to happen, my sin must first be uncovered.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I must come to God as I really am: broken. I have no righteousness of my own to bargain with. None. It is only foolish pride that tells me that I do.
If I come to God for help, rather than trying to help myself, if I repent and uncover my sin, then Jesus can save me. My sin is then dealt with, accounted for, covered.
Small things amuse me, it's true. This morning I very much enjoyed watching a little incident involving two women on the bus.
One was sitting in front of the other and she was throwing her head back and brushing her hair rigorously. This sent a shower of old loose hairs and dandruff cascading down towards the lap of the lady sitting behind. The brusher was completely unaware of the effects of her grooming, and carried on. Brush. Brush. Brush.
The lady behind however, was very much aware. A look of horror, outrage and disgust was on her face, as she swung her knees this way and that, vainly trying to dodge the foul, falling debris of hair and dead head-skin, her hands a blur of motion, as she tried with all her might to ward of the attacks.
I meanwhile, looked on, grinning from ear to ear at the entertainment, wishing it would never end.
Yesterday I had the first of my ongoing monthly speech therapy sessions. It was great to get back for a bit of perspective on how I'm going. I have dropped off with certain aspects of the techniques, and that is why I have been struggling a lot and sounding very choppy.
I did a dual-tasking exercise of having to do a jigsaw puzzle while speaking and answering questions in smooth speech. Hard!
I'm working from home today, as I start my monthly speech therapy sessions this arvo. Not hugely excited about going, because I feel like I have made no headway since the baby was born, but rather that it's been going the opposite direction. But will be good to use the session to get back on track.
Psalm 32 has been a huge blessing to me over the past few months. I return to it again and again, and find that it continues to change my heart. Sometimes it's a comfort, sometimes it's a slap in the face to wake me up. It really gets through to me, and speaks on different states that I continue to get myself in to.
Over the next week, I'm going to post some thoughts I have about it, and about the many things I find interesting about this psalm. I would love to hear your thoughts too, and if anyone's game, I'd love to have a 'guest post'! Have a read...
Psalm 32 Of David. A maskil.
1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!
Sometimes I see a poster for a movie, and it basically encompasses everything that I wouldn't want in a movie. I saw one such example this morning..
There is not one aspect of this that appeals to my sensibilities. Everything about it repels me. The annoyingly smug Matthew Mac. The strange orange tones of their faces. The holding of the scarf gesture that says, 'oh, Matt Mac, you lovable rogue, you'. The dull as dishwater line, 'you can't always run from your past'. Yawn.
On the other hand, sometimes I stumble across a poster that encapsulates everything I want in a movie, like this one I found the other day..
The old-style horror vibe. Vincent Price in that cool hat. Stuff about witches. The not very well drawn picture. The awesome block-letter logo. The licking flames in the background. And last but not least, the much better line, 'They reveled in torture and murder, all in the name of justice.'