A Family (2010)

This is a picture I painted the other day for some good friends who are soon to have a baby--

A Family (2010)
Oil on Canvas
40cm x 30cm

In other news, I am putting together another blog for all my paintings, which I'm pretty excited about. I'll let you know when it's ready.

Speech Diary-The Drive Thru

Last night I did another behavioural experiment, for my CBT course, my scariest yet.

I had said that I avoid drive-thrus. Actually, I've never ordered at one, ever. It's basically everything I hate, rolled into one. So they set me the task of ordering a bunch of food at McDonald's.

So last night, with a big butterfly in my stomach I drove alone to McDonald's and got some dinner for us. As I pulled in to the dark, tunnel-like drive thru, my heart sank, and my heart started racing. Then another car pulled in behind, and I suddenly felt really trapped, knowing I couldn't back out. For a moment I felt really panicky and frightened, and got a cold sweat, but just tried to not think about it, as I crept closer towards my turn to order.

Once I got there, it went far better than I could have hoped-- I was able to maintain my speech technique reasonably, and the girl was really patient and nice. I got out everything I wanted to, ordered all three complicated meals, and left there with a huge grin, feeling absolutely ecstatic.

This probably sounds a bit ridiculous, but if you can imagine an arachnophobe patting a big hairy spider, that's kind of what it felt like!

So, I'm feeling pretty triumphant about it. It's so great to knock off these fears, one by one.

Song Of The Week

'Out There'

Dinosaur Jr (1993)

Listen~

Scrabble

E won this one, but I'm currently getting revenge in Super Scrabble, which is bigger and better, and doesn't have any hand-written letters (which was probably what put me off my game here).

Anyone see Bear crawl inside a dead camel the other day?

Television gold.

Thursday Peanuts

Take Refuge

A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

~Proverbs 22:3

Naval Gazing

I was watching this navy dude on the train this morning. He was all dressed up in cammo gear and looking pretty formidable. I wish I could wear some sweet cammo gear for my work.

As I watched him though, my awe soon turned to a vague kind of disappointment. He was fiddling about with his ipod thing, and I realised he was playing a game. Slowly sidling over to look, I discovered it was Tetris. He was pretty into it, jiggling about with a worried expression trying to get those wee blocks to fit just right.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that Tetris is a good game. And every body's entitled to a bit of mundane downtime, even your rarely-sighted, high-end naval officers.

But, I don't know. It tarnished the dream. I wanted him to be doing something more lofty, like maybe reading a thick volume of Winston Churchill's speeches, or scrawling down some sweet navy tactics in a briny ol' notebook that's weathered The High Seas.

But alas, Tetris.

My Desk

Way overdue, I know-- that desk meme that did the rounds. Thanks Amy for the tag.

Here's my work desk in all it's irrepressible glory. It's where the magic happens, folks.
I tag Christine, Goldy and Kutz.

The Quiz

1. Early-bird or night-owl?
2. Whatcha doing for Australia Day tomorrow?
3. Do you scrutinize to see which is the left and right sock, or just put them on any old way?
4. A book you'd like to finally read this year
5. There's a gun to your head and you must choose between eating a spider or a cockroach..

A Night Out

Our friends Jennie and Scott minded the girls on Saturday night so we could go out to celebrate our anniversary. It was a good night. We had to can Shakespeare In The Park because the weather turned bad, but we still had a good time.

First, we went and had dinner at a little Spanish restaurant in Summer Hill, called Muse. It was really nice, and the food delish.

Then we went to the movies and saw Up In The Air, a movie we pretty much knew nothing about.

We were really impressed, and both enjoyed it a lot. Days later I'm still thinking about it, and that's very rare for me these days. 4/5

Anyway, all up, a good night, and great to get some downtime with The E.

Insecurity Is..

Waiting with pretend nonchalance to get tagged for that circulating meme that everyone and their sick aunty has already done except you.

First Take The Blog Out Of Your Own Eye

No, the title of this post doesn't have anything to do with anything, it just sounds awesome is all.

My good friend Peter has started a blog in recent months-- you should check it out, he's a good egg. He writes good songs too.

Sorrow Into Joy~

While on the topic of new blogs, Christine has started one too:

Blurred On The Edges~

Song Of The Week

'Caledonia Mission'

The Band (1968)

Listen~

Speech Diary- To Stop Caring

And what if I do get a bad reaction in my little behavioural experiments? What if someone does laugh or something, as I feared they would?

The advice is to work towards not caring--

It is important to always acknowledge that causal thoughts CREATE the emotional disturbance following negative evaluation. Therefore, it is not sensible to blame the situation itself for your emotional distress. If people actually treat you badly, or make fun of you, choosing not to care is an option.

For example, let's imagine that you engage in a behavioural experiment and someone actually does laugh at you. This does not mean that you have to feel upset. What is the real cost here? If an ignorant person, who doesn't understand stuttering, reacts in a stupid way ,why should you care? What would you ever give such a person the POWER over your emotional life?

Speech Diary- Behavioural Experiments

I'm about half-way through this online cognitive behaviour treatment that I've been doing the last few months, to treat the anxiety, related to my stuttering. I'm finding it pretty beneficial.

In a nutshell, the idea is that social anxieties are driven by causal thoughts (I will stutter badly in this situation, I can't talk to this particular person, people will think I'm stupid etc), which are then maintained by safety behaviours (keep answers short, point to things rather than talking, try to avoid difficult words, avoid eye contact etc).

They then set me behavioural experiments, where I go in to a situation on purpose, that I'd usually run a mile from. I make a bunch of predictions on the outcome beforehand, then go in, trying my best to discard all safety behaviours.

Afterwards, I evaluate how it went, and whether my predictions were correct. And they haven't been-- I had predicted very negative outcomes, which never eventuated.
So this is all coming as a bit of a revelation to me; that I'm wasting a lot of energy cowering from perceived dangers that aren't really dangerous. experiencing this first hand is very liberating.

Reading

Thursday Peanuts

This is really not a post about anything, other than to say I want to be the guy in this picture.

He looks like he's got the right idea.

Fantastic Mr Fox- Two Reviews

Well, my feelings on Fantastic Mr Fox are very mixed, depending on what viewpoint I take. So I'm going to write two reviews, one positive, and one negative.

Review 1: I liked the movie a lot. I especially liked the first half; the setting up of the characters, the style and feel of it. I loved the 'cool' vibe to it, and the fact that it opened with a relatively obscure, but awesome Beach Boys song. I like Wes Anderson's films, and this was instantly recognisable as his. I recently saw The Life Aquatic, and it was very similar in feel to that movie.

It departed from the book a fair bit, but this didn't trouble me as much as I thought. A lot of the Roald Dahl quirkiness still got carried through, and there were some really nice additions to the old story, one example being the nephew, Kristopherson. The look of the movie was really nice also-- apparently some painstaking kind of stop motion. For my enjoyment, 3.8/5

Review 2: I looked around at the kids in the audience, and felt bad for them. What the heck was this weird and boring film their mum had mistakenly brought them too? At the funny bits, they weren't laughing, because the bits weren't funny to them. The dialog was odd and adult--"I love you", says Mrs Fox to her husband, "but I shouldn't have married you". Mummy, what are those weird foxes talking about, and why am I not having fun?

So the typical argument that always comes here is 'well why does every animated thing have to be for kids? What's wrong with making something adults can enjoy?' Well nothing, but don't use a beloved kids' book as your starting point! Who will want to see it? Those kids!

Really what's happened, is what seemed to have happened with Where The Wild Things Are- it's made not for the kids who liked it now, but for the adults who liked it as kids. Sure, this will be great for those adults, but the kids who like the stuff now- they lose out.

I think one of the big reasons why I think Pixar do such a good job is because they try and bridge this gap, making films that are accessible and rewarding for both kids and adults. Not just by chucking in some 'adult' humour, but by putting in heart and warmth, the thing everyone will relate to. So, because this movie was aimed at to narrow an audience, and would have let a lot of people down, 2.5/5

The Spiteful Acts of Spiders

Walking to the station this morning at dawn, I reckon I got hit by twenty spider webs. Not big whopper ones, just a single strand going from one side of the footpath to the other.

Spiders don't respect the human thoroughfare, and after their nights work of weaving their proper web, as an afterthought, and to use up any excess web they have lying around, they just throw out a line across the path. Kind of for the heck of it, and a little bit out of spite.

While not terrified of spiders, I don't really want to eat their web either, and like when you get a hair in your mouth and can't find it (no matter how much you pince around with your finger and thumb), as soon as these webs hit your face, or bare arms, they become invisible.

You feel something tickling your skin, or vaguely impairing your vision, but no matter how much you rub and pull at the air, it sticks fast. This is what I resent: that I will now spend the rest of the day clawing vainly at twenty individual threads that are invisibly wrapped around my body.

Excursion!

We are seeing Fantastic Mr Fox today for work. I'm pumped.

How To Not Get Pecked In The eye

Whenever I walk past magpies, my mind goes into a flap (pun partially intended) as I quickly try to remember the rules of not getting pecked.

I know it's something about eyes, but I can never remember on the spot whether you're supposed to hide your eyes, or keep your eyes on them at all times. So, I end up doing a bit of each, to try and cover my bases.

Really, there are very sound arguments for both sides. Consider-

Keep Your Eyes On Them At All Times: If they know you're watching, they will be wary. I'm watching you, sucker, so don't even come within a metre of me, or I'll martial arts you in the neck.

Don't Let 'Em See Your Eyes: If they see them, they'll want them. All they want to do is peck your eyeballs, so why dangle them in front of them like an invitation? If they can't see them, they won't know what they're missing.

Eight Years

Today is our 8th wedding anniversary-- not a bad innings!

Happy anniversary, E.

Bear Does The Sahara

My highlights from Man vs. Wild last night were:

1) When he bit into a massive camel spider and said 'ugh, it's like an explosion of pus in my mouth'.

2) When he bit into a scorpion and had its innards on his chin.

3) When he jumped into quicksand, for no apparent reason.

4) When he swung the camera repeatedly at a cobra, just to get it arked up.

The Quiz

1. Ever broken a bone?

2. List all the nicknames different people have for you

3. A movie you really want to see on the big screen

4. What'd you have for brekky?

5. Do you have a diary for '10?

Choose Your Own Adventure

This is not my dilemma, but one put to me by a certain wife of mine, who shall remain nameless. Consider, if you will--

You are going to see a movie with a newish friend. It's really hot, and as the two of you sit down, you pull out your water bottle to have a much-needed drink. You take a big refreshing swig. Then you realise your friend doesn't have a drink. Do you-

A) Offer your friend a drink, but feel weird about it, as there's no straw and your basically offering them your backwash, but you feel it's what you're supposed to do.

B) Offer them a drink, without a qualm, comfortable in the fact that you're doing a nice thing, and they don't have to accept.

C) Not offer them a drink, and feel fine about it. Water bottles are a personal item, like roll-on deodorant. Something not to be shared, for the health and well-being of society as a whole. Your friend should know this.

A Book Recommendation

The final quarter of last year was pretty rough, and we were struggling a lot with our parenting of little e, just not knowing how to improve things, and feeling pretty defeated. Things really weren't going well, so we were hugely thankful when we came upon this book, Terrific Toddlers by Mel Hayde, which has made a massive difference for us already.

I highly recommend it to any parents of young kids, or to those planning to have kids. To be honest, it is the one parenting book I've actually made it through, and the one that I have not gotten frustrated with while reading.

A couple of weeks ago we put into action the stuff we read about, and it has changed things a lot in our household. Everyone is a lot happier, a lot more relaxed, and there are far fewer battles and tantrums. It's been a great start.

A Few More Holiday Snaps

Song Of The Week

'Your Mother Should Know'

The Beatles (1967)

Listen~

Why Don't You Keep Your Stinking Report

Never will I ask you to send it, so leave me the heck alone.

It's bad enough that my computer's being a stupid idiot without then having to listen to some boring report about just how much of a stupid idiot he's been.

Go get yourself cleaned up, and then maybe we can talk.

Oh Happy Day

We are getting some sweet air con installed at home today.

No more walking around in my smalls.

Thursday Peanuts

Understand Me 2.0

I really liked this post Simone wrote the other day.

It made me think about what I would like other people to understand better about me.

Here's my 10:

1. I'm not shy. I just have a stutter, and try to avoid talking around groups of people. Sometimes I'll use pretend shyness as an excuse for mono-syllabic answers, but it's a facade.

2. I poke fun at you because I like you, not because I don't. Generally people get this, but there are friends who get offended by my jokes, and take things to heart. So I secretly roll my eyes and have to chuck in a boring "just kidding", to appease them. I mock because I love. If I didn't like you I wouldn't joke with you.

3. I like to be alone. There's nothing wrong, I'm not in a bad mood, I just like to be by myself a lot, to think and do my own thing.

4. I want to talk about passion. I like people who have interests, and I like to listen to you talk about the things you're passionate about, especially if they are a bit left of centre. And I really, really want to talk to you about the things I'm passionate about.

5. I don't want to talk about achievement. When groups of males talk together, there tends to be a sense of competition. This makes my eyes glaze over. I'm really happy to talk about you, but not about your status symbols, how highly paid and highly skilled you are, how expensive or fast your car is.

6. I like having friends of both sexes. Don't be alarmed if I talk to you and you are a girl. "Eek, why is he talking to me, and not my husband?" I'm not being creepy, I'm just being friendly. I relate to girls about as well as guys (ie, equally badly).

7. I want deep relationship, at intervals. This is a bit tricky and hard to navigate. But while I want a deep friendship with you, and want to skip the small-talk, I need it to be a bit spaced-out. I don't want to have a heart to heart every single day. Neediness frightens me.

8. I need warning. Don't drop in on me, or ask me to something without warning. Don't change plans on me at the last minute. I need to mentally prepare and have time to get excited about things.

9. I'm a one-to-one kinda guy. In a group I'll be a bit stand off-ish and reserved. I feel out of my element. But one to one, I will be relaxed and open with you.

10. I'm opinionated about my tastes. Be aware that if you tell me about something you like, chances are I will either think the thing is awesome, or rubbish. I have no grey areas here. Don't get offended, just tell me to pull my head in, and tell me why I'm wrong (although you won't be able to, because I'm right).

Victory

The horse is made ready for the day of battle,
but victory rests with the LORD.

~Proverbs 21:31

Vanishing Point Turns 2

Well today, this blog turns 2. Tonight I'll take him out for a McHappy Meal to celebrate.

My, how quickly they grow up..

A Wee Bit Tainted

So, the other night when I went to see a certain singer/songwriter play, I ducked off to the loo just before he started, and was pleasantly surprised to find said singer/songwriter standing beside me at the, er, troughs.

Cool, I thought. How often do you get such a special bonding moment with an international singer of not-to-be-sneezed-at acclaim? Rarely. I considered some fannish small-talk--"I really liked that album you did..", but thinking better of it, decided to enjoy the magic moment in silence.

So, said singer/songwriter finishes his work for the day, and I watch peripherally as he checks himself out in the mirror for a moment, and then...

Walks out.

Just like that. No hand-washing of any capacity. Not even a quick rinse without soap. And in an instant, my world tumbles in around me, and a dark and heavy cloud of disillusion sets in.

So out I go, to watch this filth-monger play his set, and I can't help but let the preceding events taint my enjoyment of the show. As the audience watch and cheer as his fingers noodle about the guitar frets, I just see two germ-laden weapons of mass disgustion carelessly spread their foul putrefaction hither and thither.

And then after the show, several fans go up to meet and greet said singer/songwriter, eager to get that special handshake.

But mark my words, he got no handshake from me, that hot, steamy night. No sir.

Choose Your Own Adventure

You finish your breakfast cereal at work, and go to take your bowl to the kitchen.

However, as you walk down the hallway, you hear a lot of chatter and frivolity and can tell there are several other people in the kitchen. Do you,

a) Keep going, and chat to the other people like a normal person, while you wait your turn.

b) Return to your desk with your dirty bowl because you are not really a normal person, and don't want to talk to people.

c) Encounter this situation and deem it post-worthy, because this is how dull your life is.

How I Like My Bloggers

1. Honest
2. Open
3. Funny
4. Self-Deprecating
5. Creative
6. Serious
7. Committed
8. Dependable
9. Confident
10. Versatile

Inflation

So I take three weeks off work, and when I come back, not only has my weekly travel pass gone up $2, but my daily take away coffee has gone up 10c.

That's $2.50 extra I'm losing a week, or in practical terms, a packet of Cheese Supreme Doritos and five red frogs from the servo.

This is the unsettling thing about the proverbial Rat Race of which I am a part-- you duck away for a couple of weeks, and they change the rules on you.

Man vs. Wild

Slow on the uptake as usual, I have only just started watching Man vs. Wild.

I love it, it's right up my alley-- watching someone trying to survive in the wild. From the comfort of my lounge room.

In the episode I watched, he caught fish with his bare hands, swam down 12 miles of rapids and ran away from a bear. It was pretty much everything I wanted in a TV show.

Bear Grylls is my new hero.

No Wisdom, No Insight, No Plan

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the Lord.

~Proverbs 21:30

Kelley Stoltz

The other night I went and saw Kelley Stoltz, an American singer/songwriter, play at the Sandringham in Newtown.

He played well, and I was very pleased he played my favourite song of his-- a Beach Boys-ish sounding ditty, directed at Jesus.

The Camera

This is the camera we finally bought.

It's a Nikon Coolpix P90. We have had it a couple of weeks, and are getting the hang of it. It goes good!

Thanks to everyone for your advice. It may look like I ignored it, but on the contrary I gave much thought and pondering to your various words of wisdom.

The Kids

We Are Living In A Society, People

I have a gripe. Call me grumpy, but I find it annoying and rude when people get on the bus talking on their phones.

They wedge it between their chin and shoulder as they pay for their ticket, or dip their ticket in the machine, not even pausing in their conversation to acknowledge the driver. If I was the driver, this would make me chizzy. I'm not the driver, and I'm chizzy enough.

How important is your call that you can't say, 'can you hang on a minute, I'm just getting on the bus' and then communicate with the driver like a normal person? Is common courtesy too much to ask?

Reading Resolution

I like a good New Years Resolution. In the past few years I have made some that I've actually carried through with, so I figure they're worth attempting.

One of mine for Twennyten is to read. Lots. A disappointment for me last year was that due to busyness and apathy, books just fell by the wayside, and I really only finished a couple. This year I want to crank through them. And become very learn-ed.

Sadly, 2009 Ben has left 2010 Ben with a bit of a mess to clean up first. He started about seventeen books, made it about a quarter of the way through each of them, and so now this years' me feels frustratingly obligated to finish everything he started, but doesn't know how to prioritise this clean-up operation. He is also foolishly continuing to start more books.

In other news, 2010 Ben is also finding it a joy to speak of himself in the third person. He advises you try it.

A Few Holiday Snaps

Be warned, there will be a lot of holiday photos posted this week. Sometimes, you just gotta do these things.

The Place

So here's a few pictures of the little beach house that we stayed at for a week after Christmas, at Werri Beach. It was awesome, and I wanted to buy it.

The front--

From the back verandah, looking across the lagoon--

E's favourite spot in the back yard--

Heading towards the back gate to the little jetty--

The jetty--

And looking back up the yard from the end of the jetty--

Ahh, how's the serenity..