Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)

Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)
Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

So we saw Twilight:Breaking Dawn Part 1 the other night. It was pretty bad in numerous ways, but I also apologetically loved it. Despite and because of it's badness.

Edward and Bella finally tied the knot, and went off for some early marital bliss on a deserted island where all manner of fun ensued, including several heated rounds of chess. Then, falling pregnant with vampire spawn, the honeymoon was over, and the difficulties of marriage began..

It's difficult to describe the joy and silliness of this movie adequately, so allow me to just run through some highs and lows in point form. There are SPOILERS ahead, so feel free to abandon ship now (it might be for the best).

* Hilariously in the very first scene of the movie, Jacob found an opportunity to whip his shirt off. It must be in his contract. On receiving an invite to Edward and Bella's wedding, he is furious, and yanks off his top, and to let off some steam, goes for a run. To Canada.

*The wedding and all the sugary romantic ickiness involved was actually kind of nice. I liked it, and was inwardly saying "Awww", while outwardly I sniggered and rolled my eyes. Even though it apparently took Bella about seven hours to actually make her way down the aisle while she gave furtive glances and bit her lip a lot. But still, 'awww'.

* The wedding night, I thought, was actually done surprisingly well. It showed the apprehensiveness and awkwardness well, and got across the momentous.. um..ness of the occasion. That Edward then proceeded to break the bed and most of the room was beside the point. It was tender, just in a vampire kind of way, you know?

* Excuse my soapboxing, but it was actually a refreshing change to see marriage treated in such a reverential way, and the fact they waited until this night, was frankly quite unusual for a romantic story in this day and age, vampire or not.

* As luck would have it, Bella fell pregz on the first night. What amazed me was how aghast they were at this occurrence. What? pregnancy? What is this crazy thing? They were so baffled. For a vampire who has lived for a very, very long time, Edward seemed to have a pretty ropey grasp on the ins and outs workings of the birds and bees.

* The next hour or so was kind of annoying. It became less about the two of them and just about Bella getting all skinny and bruised as the baby vamp grew at a rapid rate inside her, with Edward standing over in the corner all grumpy, mumbling and grumbling how he didn't sign on for this. Too late, buckaroo, time to man up and borrow some birth books from Faulks County Library.
* Meanwhile Jacob is very angsty about the whole situation. How could Bella marry a vampire when she could have totally married a werewolf? Ludicrous. But I actually liked Jacob, and I liked how he put aside his angst and supported her anyway. He even broke away from his 'pack', who wanted to murder the lil' bubba. This however involved a very comical scene in which a pack of very dodgy CGI werewolves bark and growl angrily at each other while we hear human voice overs saying what the dogs are barking. "Grr, you're not the boss of me" "Woof, do what you're told, upstart" "Bow wow wow, nuh uh, I'm going!" Fantastic stuff.

* Bella is now skin and bones, as the demon child is apparently killing her from within as it grows. But the baby is unhappy, and they just don't don't how to satisfy it, no matter how they try. Then boom, a light bulb moment "I know, let's get Bella to drink a blood smoothie from a styrofoam cup!". These vampires are not super bright, despite their age and experience. Gosh, who would have thought that a vampire child might just want a lil' ol' bit of the red stuff? Poor old Bella- they couldn't have thought of this perhaps in the first trimester?

*Anyways, then the birth, which was epic as epic gets. Lots of blood and guts there. Also an audience of about twelve vampires plus a werewolf for good measure. Um, privacy anyone? One great thing here was how Rosalie got all freaked out at the sight of blood and had to be escorted from the room to save her from snacking, and yet then a little later it's her who is left to hold the blood-drenched baby a few minutes later. And then the great bit, the next time we see her come back in with the baby, all the blood is cleaned off, and little Renesmee (yes that's her actual name) is miraculously clean. Rosalie, you got the blood off with a dampened towel, right? Right? (Innocent whistling).

* Well then Jacob comes in, maybe to kill the baby, but whoops, he accidentally 'imprints' on her, which is basically werewolf for falling in love. Age difference issue here? Apparently not. Nice little twist, though, I thought.

* And then the nifty ending where Bella comes back from the brink of death, and is now.. A VAMPIRE!! Edward had done a Pulp Fiction on her, injecting her with some of his venom. So, all in all a relatively peaceful and run of the mill birthing experience for the happy young (sort of) couple.

Thus ends this wonderful movie. All in all, some A+ viewing.

And I can't wait for Part 2.

14 comments:

Crazyjedidiah said...

The whole series has mormon undertones, as Stephanie Meyer is a mormon, that's why they wait till the wedding night. It is also why I give the whole series a wide berth.

Ben McLaughlin said...

Fair enough. Yes I knew about the whole Mormon thing.

ps- I'm glad you said wide berth and not wide birth.

Jessica said...

Watching the movie could not possibly be more fun than reading this review.

Pedro said...

....crap.

Laetitia :-) said...

Oh, this is priceless. I have no desire to read the books - can anyone say "stalking is NOT love"? But that's hilarious.

If Edward is seriously old and he's gone for a teenager (what are they doing pretending to be high schoolers for crying out loud? - paedophilia also is NOT love), the age gap between Jacob & the demon spawn should be no problem at all.

Karen said...

Thanks for this...now I won't need to see it :) The book was painful enough to get through.
I did find the name of their child quite amusing though..

simone r said...

I'm thinking of going and seeing it again.

Need to get another look at that wolf scene.

Fun review!

Alistair Bain said...

Hah.

Now. Seriously.

What's it really about?

Belle said...

I completely agree with Jessica! Feel I should also stick up for the books if no one else will: LOVED THEM.

I was expecting the caption in your picture to mention the blood... very glad it came up later.

Ben McLaughlin said...

Were I to go to Niagra Falls and have my mind blown clean off by it's majestic beauty, and to then come home and write a review for you all about how wonderful it was, should you then be satisfied with that, or should this not plant a seed of desire that you yourself may one day experience first hand said majesty?

Belle said...

You're absolutely right. Will book tickets immediately.

Pedro said...

You mean just like; "man its is soooo beutiful out in the water with just you and your board greeting the sunrise and the ra ra ra..."?...
Don't give us that comparitive analogy poop.
Some things are meant for certain 'groups' of people.
Everyone else steers clear!
Just so happens you have lumped you and your wife into the 'soppy, overly hormonal, waiting for adolescence' group.
But hey, whatever floats your boat.
I am going to start calling you Benn-Jarmin. You are such an individual.

(all said with tongue in cheek for those who don't know me:-)!!!)

Ben McLaughlin said...

For those who don't know Pedro, his tongue is actaully as far from his cheek as it could possibly be. Possibly even in a different time zone.

Beth said...

See...I couldn't get through the second book, it just didn't capture me. I did enjoy the first movie, but haven't seen anymore. Plan to though.