Wattamolla

We went to Wattamolla on Saturday, my new favourite place.

Not to be confused with this place, it's a beautiful lagoon/beach in the Royal National Park, about 20 mins drive from our place.

It's awesome. I'll post some pix tomoz.

Chappo

Chappo has preached at church the past couple of weeks. It's been great. It feels like a real privilege to attend the same church, and to get to hear the occasional talk, by such a legend.

He's in his 80's now, but still has a wonderful way of saying a lot, in a simple, concise and easy to understand way. If the talks get put up online I'll post a link.

The Quiz

1. I wish I was around when..
2. Something you've been thinking about
3. What keeps you up at night?
4. A song you like to dance to
5. Where do you picture yourself being in 20 years? What would you be doing?

Jargain

This is a new word I just invented. It's when you get a massive overload of jargon in a very short, concentrated space of time. It's given away so cheaply that it's a jargon bargain.

Jargain.

PowerPoint Kills

I have discovered that I actually have a medically proven allergy to PowerPoint presentations. As soon as I come within metres of one, my skin gets all hivey and blotchy, my heart palpitates, my gag reflex goes in to overdrive, and I just need to leave the room. Urgently.

I think it's the combination of all that clip art, bad stock photos, graphs, horrible jargon language, mission statements and schizophrenic font usage.

Shudder.

Thursday Peanuts

Sob

Inconsiderate two weeks ago me off-handedly said I'd attend some meeting with a financial consultant at work this morning. Drats.

I have had a hard think about it, and have concluded there is actually no other thing in the entire world that I would like to attend less.

I wish I had a Delorean so's I could go back in time and give that jerk, two weeks ago me, a good clip around the ear.

Wednesday Book Review by Belle

Tuesdays with Morrie
by Mitch Albom

Reviewed by Belle

I enjoyed The Five People You Meet in Heaven by the same author, which is what made me search this book out. I like the length of Albom’s books; this one, like ‘Five People’, was nice and short. Unlike ‘Five People’, however, this one left me thinking, Whatever! And that’s never a good sign. The book is a mini-biography of Morrie, Albom’s old sociology professor, who is rapidly deteriorating after being diagnosed with ALS.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m Australian or I'm not dying or I was just in the wrong mood, but I very quickly tired of Morrie’s guru-ey, I’m-dying-therefore-everything-I-say-is-quotable-material aphorisms and Albom’s unabashed worship of his old professor. Yay for their relationship, yay for the fact that the book covered Morrie’s medical expenses, yay for Albom’s writing. But, overall? Meh. Read it if you like, it won't take up too much of your time. But keep a bucket handy.

Thanks Belle! Go check out Belle's Elbows.

There Is A Time To Prune, And A Time To Shower

I am a bit of a chronic pruner. Show me any kind of plant or tree, put a sharp cutting device in my hands, and I can't help myself. I'm Edward Scissorhands.

Branches often look a bit wrong, or ugly, or too straight, or too tangled, or too crowded, so I lop them off so they'll grow better ones. By 2017. Our yard is quickly becoming a wasteland of stumps. E is fearful. But I do know what I'm doing. Honestly.

Anyway, on the weekend I was working on this particularly ugly (but nice smelling)lemon tea tree. It's a lot smaller now, but I've ironed out its major design flaws, and one day it will be a beautiful tree, when it grows back. My great, great, great grandchildren will enjoy it. If there isn't a block of flats built over it by then.

So, afterwards I'm all hot and itchy, and I decided to have a shower. Usually I'm a soap guy, but just for a laugh I thought I'd try this body wash thing that's been sitting there for ages untouched. I'm washing myself, and I realise it has a lemony kind of smell, and I look at the label: "Lemon Tea Tree".

Gosh, chuckles I, 'tis like rain on one's wedding day. I may as well have just turned the sprinkler on in the yard and scrubbed myself with the branches I just lopped off.

The Quiz

1. Once I start... I never know when to stop
2. I wish I had a better understanding of...
3. A voice that makes you nostalgic when you hear it
4. Favourite black and white movie
5. Licorice: tasty treat, or foul-tasting black monstrosity that's like a cuttings from an old tyre?

Number Crunch

This blog is 23 hits shy of 130,000.

I'm keeping track here, and for the 130,000th person to click, this day will be more special than you can possibly imagine. An embarrassment of riches will rain down upon you with a magnitude of prizes unseen ever before, a wealth of winnings that will make Oprah and Ellen's combined gift giving seem trivial, puny and miserly.

Brace yourself, Dear Reader, it could be YOU.

Thanks for reading though, folks.

*but probably won't be

He Led A Full And Happy Life

My tuna sandwich just now tasted kinda like cat food, so I squeezed on a bit of mayo. Which, as it turns out, had a November 2010 use by. I lost track of the years for a moment there, but as it still smelt fairly mayoesque, I gave it a shot.

If there's no quiz on Monday, check the obituaries.

Wow.

BIG news today.

ps- I chuckled at the typo on the caption underneath the photo with Condoleezza Rice.

Mary Blair

I was pleased to see the Google logo thingy this morning is celebrating Mary Blair, a fantastic old illustrator from around the 50's. She did a lot of concept work for early Disney movies, and also a stack of children's books.


We photocopied and framed a couple of pages from her book, "I Can Fly" a couple of years back to put on the walls in Little e's room. She had a great, and very influential style- often imitated, seldom matched.

Thursday Peanuts

The Apple Juice Twofer

I have a handy household tip for you, that will most likely revolutionise your whole entire life, in a quiet, understated way. It's about apple juice.

When I pour apple juice straight from the bottle, it's good, but perhaps a little too hardcore. It's a bit too strong, a bit too sweet and a bit too appley. It's almost too refreshing, to the point where you need a chaser of water. Often I will water it down in my glass, if I can be bothered. But that doesn't work if I am surreptitiously having a swig straight from the bottle while hiding behind the open fridge door, which frankly is most of the time.

I also find that you go through a bottle too quickly. Here you are pouring full strength glasses of juice willy nilly, and before you know it, bottle's empty. Especially if you have visitors over, who may take half glasses, or watered down glasses as an insult, and who may like their glass continuously refreshed.

So you see the gaping void of need that I have highlighted. Well, fret a little less my friends, because the other week I struck idea pay dirt. It just hit me. This is what you do:

1. Keep one empty apple juice bottle on the top of your fridge.

2. Buy a new bottle of apple juice.

(are you sitting down? Here's where it gets amazing)

3. Pour half the contents of the full bottle into the empty one.

4. Top up both bottles with water. Screw on lids.

5. Open wide your mouth in amazement as you suddenly realise WHERE ONCE YOU HAD ONE OVERLY STRONG BOTTLE OF JUICE YOU NOW HAVE TWO PERFECTLY STRENGTHED JUICES FOR THE SAME PRICE!!

Follow these simple steps, and never be sad again. Not only will you save money, you will enjoy it more. And your thirsty visitors will know no different, except to inquire at the end of their stay, "by the way, where did you buy that amazingly refreshing, perfectly strengthed juice?".

At which time you will turn to the camera, give a wry grin, and wink.

"I have my ways, ol' buddy, I have my ways".

ps- Dear Spellcheck, 'appley' and 'strengthed' totally are real words, you just need to stop being so judgemental, and get out more.

Book Review Wednesday by Belle

The Slap
by Christos Tsiolkas

Reviewed by Belle

This book is certainly thought-provoking, though I can think of few other positive adjectives to describe it. Most of the 8 stories in the book aren’t actually about the slap (if you haven’t already heard, at the beginning of the book a man at a BBQ hits a child who isn’t his).

According to the blurb and many rave reviews (and this is what scared me most about the book), The Slap is about things like parenting and commitment and everyday life. I really hope that’s not actually true; to quote Disey, who commented on a review of the first TV episode, “If this is an example of “today's Melbourne”, then all I can say is ‘yuk!’” It’s full of ugly language, ugly sex and ugly, angry and selfish characters who are utterly unlikeable. DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. (The ABC series may be a different matter, as the language and sex in particular will have to be toned down drastically for its timeslot... You're allowed to watch that, if you want to.)

Thanks for the review! Belle blogs at Belle's Elbows.

Kim

On Friday night we went to this sailing club place with my father in law. Not particularly because we are sailors, but just because it's one of those rare places where there's room for the kids to run about, without you feeling people's disapproval. Still, it's full of mainly people in their 50's and up, some discussing the ins and outs of sailing, and some off living the dream in front of the pokie machines.

Anyways, we realise they are setting up karaoke at the front, and so after a while I decided I'd put my name down. I chose 'Heart Of Gold' because it's a song me and Little e sing together, so I was going to try and convince her to sing a duet with me. So then I just nervously waited my turn.

One of the first people to get up was this woman in her 50's who I'd seen there before. Kind of smiley with buck teeth and half closed eyes, and always drunk. I learnt her name was Kim. So Kim gets up and has a crack at Abba's 'Money, Money, Money', with some pretty sterling results. She sung the chorus' with gusto, and then would just kind of slur and mumble her way through each verse. Good times.

Eventually my turn came, and I got up, but couldn't convince Little e to come with me. So once I got to the mic, I gestured for her to come. But who should be standing nearby to misread my beckoning gesture, but Kim herself. So, while Little e shakes her head, staying put in her chair, Kim stumbles up the front and stands right next to me, trying to share the mic, and apparently attempting the Lambada with me (it's not called the Forbidden Dance for nothing, Dear Reader).

As you would expect, this is all a barrel of laughs, but I hope Kim gets tired by the chorus and heads off back to her cave. But alas no, she stays for the entire song, singing, dancing and sidling, breathing hot hobo breath into my face.

Another point of interest was somewhere in the second verse, I think, where she gave my bottom a bit of a squeeze. Way to traumatise my children, Kim. That's the fantastic thing about drunk people, they really have a deep understanding and respect of what is appropriate and socially acceptable at any given time.

All in all, a good night. Happily, E got all of this on film for posterity's sake.

Listening

I'm loving Melbourne band Oh Mercy, especially this little number.

I discovered them when I saw them cover ELO on tele the other week. Good stuff.

Needs

A friend mentioned to me the other day, that he heard a pastor say of Steve Jobs to a congregation that 'he knew what we needed before we did'.

I don't know about you, but that kinda makes me squeamish, and it's that kind of rhetoric I'm getting a bit jack of hearing about.

Very clever guy, great inventor. But he's looking a bit shaky when you put him up on a pedestal.

Nice to be back. Hope you are all going good. It's been a bit of a difficult time, but I feel like I'm coming out the end of it for the time being, and I'm feeling good about things. I speak very vaguely don't I? Some things you just don't really want to write about on a blog. At least I don't anyway.

Anyways, as I said, nice to be back.

The Quiz

1. You know someone's a good friend when..
2. I'm kinda sick of hearing about..
3. Can you do that thing where you fold your tongue in half length-ways? Any other notable mouth tricks to speak of?
4. I wish I lived in a society where it was still acceptable to.. 5. I wince when I think back to..

Oh, Dear, Dear Readers..

I know that I must be well and truly off your Christmas card list by now. I understand. I can feel your wrath from here.

I will be back. When you least expect it.

When the time's right.

Soon.

Quizless

Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to turn a computer on, on a public holiday to do the quiz. But in the absence of a quiz, how was your day off, and what did you get up to?

I went out to a bonsai show at Merrylands in the morning (was great!) and then we hung out with some friends in the arvo. You?

Booo

Dud Grand Final, or what? Who wants to see Manly win anything? Especially those brothers..

Oh well, I can get on with my life now.