Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)

Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)
Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Reg Grundies

E gave me a voucher for a massage for my birthday, and I finally used it on the weekend (of course about a day before the voucher was going to expire). I reckon it was maybe the best massage I've ever had. Which in some ways isn't saying that much, as I've mostly only ever gone to those vaguely dodgy slap-dash Chinese ones, that give you a quick elbow pummelling between ciggie breaks.

But anyways, it was a great massage. I think there are very few things in existence that rival the joy of massage. If I were King, I'd hire a personal massage squad, who'd be on call around the clock for His Majesty's Service.

But really, my one issue with massage is that I've never had a real firm grasp on the appropriate etiquette. And being an unusually intimate setting to find yourself with a stranger, any false etiquette moves can lead you to embarrassing places, pretty quickly. It's a very slippery slope (especially when essential oils are involved). Case in point-

So I'm standing in this little room with this lady, and she goes, "I'll get you to take off most of your clothes". Now, I need specifics. Don't leave me with any margin for error, thanks. Define "most". I asked her to do just that. She goes "just get down to your undies". What I was afraid of.

Now, I sort of saw this as Band-aid Theory. It's uncomfortable, so whip it off fast. So, as she continues talking, I quickly take off my thongs, shorts and t-shirt. I stand there, trying very hard to seem perfectly casual and at ease. No, I'm cool, lady, I do this all the time. Clothes, no clothes, all the same to me.

She then sort of looks at me weird. Basically the way you'd look if someone just took off their clothes in front of you. She goes, "Ummm, you could wait until I leave the room, if you like..." Arrrgh! I lunge for a rolled up towel, and quickly hide my shame. And then apologise a lot.

As I said. Give me specifics. There is a lot at stake here. But yeah, etiquette issues aside, loved it.


Laetitia :-) said...

Don't worry Ben - being told to strip to my 'underwear' for me means also leaving my shirt on. At least I don't have to undress for the chiropractor. BTW, I leave the chiro feeling like my body has just taken a happy drug.

Nathan said...

Perhaps the funniest thing I've read on the Internet this year.

Massages are just awkward.

Deb L said...

I laughed till I snorted. But, hey, a totally understandable mistake. I guess the "massage as a career" types are not the concise communicator types.

onlinesoph said...

hilarious. I can identify - they need to be more specific! Strip down is just too vague.

KIM said...

I don't care how long I live here, I'll still never get over your use of "thongs" ...!! (But she said LEAVE your undies!! Aaaahhh!!!)

simone r said...

Ben. You are a funny funny man.

Dawn Merz said...

Am just getting back to the blogging world and was sooo affected by the hilariousness f this post that both of my children came running over to me and tried to see what was on the computer that was making me laugh. Great post, Ben!!