Yesterday

Well, yesterday went pretty well over all. The assessment was in the afternoon, which wasn't good, because I had the whole morning to stew over it and get into this really dark, fearful mood, and had a bit of a melt-down when it was time to go. But like most things, the fear was far worse than the thing itself.

I drove out to this deserted university campus for a few hours and talked a lot, revealed a lot, realised a lot, did long, probing questionnaires, and found out more about the course in general. I found it very draining though, and was sort of thinking through things that I hadn't even realised about myself. Having everything out in the open was really quite a strange feeling.

I was trying to think of how to describe the feeling. It's like you were living in a really messy house. You had been there forever, and had just let it go, and in unnoticeable increments had gotten worse and worse. In the back of your mind you knew it was pretty messy and dirty, but you didn't spend much time thinking about it or looking very closely at anything. You kept the curtains closed so you couldn't really see the thick layer of dust covering everything in the house. Deep down you know your in squalor, but on the surface it's your house, and your private place, and you are mostly comfortable and at home there.

And now what it feels like as I face this stuff, is as though all the curtains had been taken down, and suddenly all this blinding sunlight is pouring into the house. It's warm and good, but also completely shows things for what they are. The dust and stains everywhere are visible and exposed, and you are repulsed and shocked at seeing what deep down you always knew was there.

So, on one hand I am overwhelmed at the mess and daunted by the long road ahead, but on the other, I'm so relieved to see and feel the sunlight, to see things for what they are, and to know the curtains have been taken down for good.