How do you become a person who is not so affected by what other people think?
I desire this quality so much. I don't mean arrogance, but just in that you can stay even and not have your confidence shaken by the little things that people say and do. I wish I had an even keel, and was not so tossed around by every tiny wave that hits.
Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)
Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)
10 comments:
Hey Ben, I find this one hard too. Often its even just the things I think they're thinking...
ME TOO.
I've been seeing a counsellor (for this and other issues) and she says it has a lot to do with the way you see yourself and being secure in who you are. All well and good, but how do you get to a point where you can do this? That's what I want to know :)
I also wanted to comment, in the post you wrote about your speech therapy and making mistakes, that I'm encouraged by you and the steps you're taking! I've also been learning about how it doesn't matter if we do things perfectly 9 times out of 10, we will always be really hard on ourselves the one time we get it wrong, whereas we need to say to ourselves, "9 times out of 10 aint bad!" I struggle with this too :)
Hey guys, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for your thoughts.
Drew, yes, that is a problem I have also- the way I imagine people's perception is probably an exaggerated version of reality.
Soph, yes I agree it's about security in who you are. Getting there is the real hurdle though-- I think maybe for me I need to learn to get over things and move on, without having to have to get anything from the person (an apology or whatever). Maybe if we look for our needs for that only to be met in God, that will be enough..
Thanks for what you said about the speech therapy stuff. These feelings I'm describing are very much tied in with all that.
Hi Ben
I may be generalising, but I find that some of the most 'confident' people are sometimes the most insensitive... Your sensitivity also makes you a much more considerate person who is receptive to others' pain and insecurities, because you yourself understands them first hand. You can be confident that THAT is how I think of you :)
AY
ps. and yes, I too, struggle with this issue...
I've found that over time, your confidence slowly builds to the point where what people think doesn't affect you as much. I think some of it always will, and I always tried to focus on the people's opinions and comments who truly knew me and cared about me. It took me a long time, but over time I know I've become more confident in myself and find myself not worrying so much what some people think. I try to remind myself that if they don't know you that well, it's probably pretty petty of them to form any opinion of you anyway.
I just stumbled across your blog/post ... I hope you don't consider me rude for barging in & leaving a little comment.
I too have had counselling for this very issue - What I have learnt is this:
1) most people are so concerned with worrying about what others think about themselves, too, that they aren't really thinking what you suspect they think about you.
2) when you do start to think these things about yourself & your confidence is shaken ... try to tell yourself this: "stop. just stop thinking. it's only a thought, that's all it is ... nothing more".
Once I started to realise that almost everyone I know is fragile to a degree & probably walking around with the same insecurities & the same little voice in their head, it now affects me less & I dwell on it for a much shorter time, if at all...
:)
I think the best way forward for most of us is to worry more about what *Jesus* thinks. That is, if we look to Christ, other people's judgments of us just seem far less significant: we have nothing to prove, because he knows us completely and in spite of that has loved us completely. I'd wager that's more powerful than any coaching in 'self-esteem'!
Tim Chester has a fourfold reminder which can be unpacked in a range of ways:
1. God is great, so we do not have to be in control.
2. God is glorious, so we do not have to fear others.
3. God is good, so we do not have to look elsewhere.
4. God is gracious, so we do not have to prove ourselves.
You can see how him flesh these out in brief here:http://timchester.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/leadership-expectations/
Or check the 'God is great' one (which is most relevant to this question) at more length here: http://timchester.wordpress.com/2007/03/18/god-is-great/
Thanks AY. It is good to be sensitive, but I guess when you're TOO sensitive you get into trouble.
Hi Beth- that's great that your confidence has grown over time. You're right that the oppinions that really matter are the ones of those closest to you.
Hi Anon, thanks for stopping by, and for your good list. I like the 'only a thought' mentality.
Hi Stuart, thanks for your thoughts and for the links. Will check them out. You are right that the oppinion of God is going to be the one that really matters and anchors you.
To tell you the truth, my first reaction is that 'even' pple are also rather kinda boring to communicate with, coz nothing really knocks them up or down, so its just the same old, day in day out. So us 'up and downers' have so much more fun, along with the stressed out borderline depressed times - we have something to express!
:) I agree with you up to a point, jen. I don't think being overly up and down is that fun.. particularly for those around us! But I do hear what yr saying. It frustrates me when people are so layed back that they neither get up in arms about anything, nor get passionately excited about anything.
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