A Trip To The Massage Place

Yesterday I went to my (sort of) trusty Chinese massage place. I've been feeling pretty tense and wanted a bit of a beat-down to straighten me out.

It all started well. There was a vacancy, and I got straight in, and I got one of the good people, rather than one of their cousins who are earning a bit of extra pocket money on an R.D.O. from their lawn mowing job, and who massage like..um.. like people good at lawn mowing.

The vibe was pretty good too. A bit of nice pan pipe action with some trickling water sound effects. Mystical Ancient Chinese versions of your favourite top 40 hits-- Every one's happy.

So, I'm laying down, getting into it, the drool starting to drip a little through that hole in the table thing. I'm zoning out and feeling good, as I cop some nice firm elbows in to my knots.

And then some loud numbnuts come into the neighbouring cubicle. And it's not even really a cubicle, it's just a thin curtain separating us. By her voice I surmise she's a middle-aged woman. Apparently she has woken up that morning with a kink in her neck. This is all fine. But it's the volume, and the repetition.

She speaks at the volume that you might use if you were one of those maintenance guys on an airstrip with a flag, talking to your mate on the other side of the plane, over the roar of the jet engines.

Yeah, I don't know what it is, it's craaazy! I just woke up and my neck was all funny! It's the strangest thing! I just woke up and it was there! Ohh my Gaawwsh! So strange!

I tried to recede into my special place, and block it out. Deep breaths. You are a calm sea, on a crisp April morning. You are a leaf rustling in the breeze. Breathe in, breathe out.

As I say I just woke up with it! Amazing! Never had this before, I wonder what it could be!? So strange!! I just woke up and, Arrgghh!

Though her face is stuck in the table hole, it is not muffling her voice, but rather amplifying it, giving it crisp shrillness, like a scream in a deep cavern. There's no concentration now. I can't hear the trickling water. The pan pipes have been over-ridden, like a bagpipes over a recorder. The sheer volume is mucking up my massage ladies' game. She is noticeably edgy, and nearly paralyses me with a stray elbow to the spine.

So strange! Ohhh yeahhh, just there, that's right! No wait...wait..wait.. to the left...AAAARGGH YES! Just there! I wonder what it is, I just woke up with it this morning! So straaaaange!

People.