How To Go To Ikea and Survive To Tell The Tale
By Amy
The 45 minute drive to that giant blue and yellow dome of Allen-keyed monstrosities has deterred many a braver soul than mine, however, at the request of my little sister, my family braved the journey. We were a man down: my husband had claimed assignment writing injuries – so it was just four of us venturing forward with heavy hearts.
It was on this solemn journey that my sister and I hit upon how to survive Ikea-land, with all its 2.5km of snares and traps: What would Bear do?
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Dropped by air into the centre of the Ikea-maze - how will Bear get out this time? Pull out the guts of the Karstad sofa to sleep in… Scavenge Glimma candles for light and warmth… Crawl commando-style through the terrifying kitchen section of soft-close drawers and pregnant couples with sunglasses on their heads… Scale the wall of Evert stools with a Juliet curtain only to find the cruelty of the barred exit where the outside world can be glimpsed, yet is blocked by the 'This Door is Alarmed' sign (alarmed by what? Bear wonders)… Distract the wailing children with a swift application of Rattus toys… Commandeer a flat bed trolley to navigate the treacherous waters of the soft furnishings section… Dodging the overladen trolleys and frantic fights of the discount section to the check-out aisles, Bear avoids the siren-call of the meatball and escapes! Light! Air! Victory! 57 small items you have no real use for!
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Who needs the Sahara or the Siberian wilderness? Bear Vs Ikea would be the true measure of a man…
By Amy
The 45 minute drive to that giant blue and yellow dome of Allen-keyed monstrosities has deterred many a braver soul than mine, however, at the request of my little sister, my family braved the journey. We were a man down: my husband had claimed assignment writing injuries – so it was just four of us venturing forward with heavy hearts.
It was on this solemn journey that my sister and I hit upon how to survive Ikea-land, with all its 2.5km of snares and traps: What would Bear do?
...
Dropped by air into the centre of the Ikea-maze - how will Bear get out this time? Pull out the guts of the Karstad sofa to sleep in… Scavenge Glimma candles for light and warmth… Crawl commando-style through the terrifying kitchen section of soft-close drawers and pregnant couples with sunglasses on their heads… Scale the wall of Evert stools with a Juliet curtain only to find the cruelty of the barred exit where the outside world can be glimpsed, yet is blocked by the 'This Door is Alarmed' sign (alarmed by what? Bear wonders)… Distract the wailing children with a swift application of Rattus toys… Commandeer a flat bed trolley to navigate the treacherous waters of the soft furnishings section… Dodging the overladen trolleys and frantic fights of the discount section to the check-out aisles, Bear avoids the siren-call of the meatball and escapes! Light! Air! Victory! 57 small items you have no real use for!
...
Who needs the Sahara or the Siberian wilderness? Bear Vs Ikea would be the true measure of a man…
2 comments:
Love the pic - nice touch...
"only to find the cruelty of the barred exit where the outside world can be glimpsed, yet is blocked by the 'This Door is Alarmed' sign (alarmed by what? Bear wonders)… Distract the wailing children with a swift application of Rattus toys"
LOL!
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