WARNING: Extreme Navel Gazing Next 20cm
I can't remember whether or not I've spoken about this before, I probably have, but something I realised quite late about myself, is that I'm very reactionary in my tastes.
If I'm surrounded by too much of one thing, I feel this weird claustrophobic pang, and go hurtling off in the other direction to what I see as being as far removed from that as I can get.
I'm certainly not saying this is a good trait at all, I know it just highlights my own insecurities and junk. And probably also some sort of annoying superiority complex. But I think it at least explains me a bit, and why I like a lot of the things I do. Maybe the best way to get the point across is to just give a bunch of real life examples--
If I'm around people talking about 'the theatre', then I want to watch a crappy horror movie. But if I'm around people who are saying The Matrix was deep and thought provoking, then I will want to watch a melancholy drama on SBS with subtitles. I love comics, but if I spend a bit of time in a comic shop around, well, comic book nerds, then I'll want to go home and read a William Faulkner book. But if I'm with people talking about 'literature', then I just want to read the The Incredible Hulk. You see? Never happy.
Or if I'm with blokes talking about bikes, or cars or rock climbing, I'll want to go and do some rose gardening and read poetry. But when my friend talked about how I ought to get an electric lawn mower to be kind to the environment, well, frankly I wanted to then get the loudest, gas guzzling beast I could find. Seeing somebody 'alternative' makes me want to listen to Gershwin. Hearing somebody go on about jazz makes me want to listen to the heaviest metal I can find.
It's not good, is it. It's not a very peaceful way to be either, because I'm always trying to stay one step away from what I'm near. I'm defining myself by what I'm not. That's not a good thing. I would like to get to the bottom of it, and work out what it stems from (pride?), and how I can work on changing it.
Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)
Huldra Forsvant (Theodor Kittelsen)
9 comments:
But surely sometimes it's a good thing right? When people are talking about U2...
I can relate, I think for me part of it is trying to be cool by being different (and the opposite extreme is trying to be cool by being the same, but better). Pride is going to hit either way I think...
My advice would be stick with what you enjoy. Ignore everybody else. And just deal with the pride stuff. If you enjoy a diverse range of stuff and your enjoyment of one thing is prompted by encountering its antithesis, then that's not completely a bad thing.
But you're doing well to look at the motives. Good stuff.
I almost didn't post this comment because it felt preachy. I hope that encouragement>preachiness. And if it's not, just imagine me giving you a thumbs up while saying this...
"your enjoyment of one thing is prompted by encountering its antithesis"
That sums it up perfectly.
No, I'm glad you posted, mate, it didn't sound preachy at all. I think you're right, I can still enjoy eclectic things, I just need to seperate that from pride and angst, I guess.
I have somewhat similar feelings. Even way back at school I remember that if one person had one idea in art, for example, I definitely didn't want to do that. Something of a non-conformist.
I think that like most personality characteristics God has given us, this has potential for both good and bad. Good, in that someone like this is unlikely to follow along with the crowd and get in trouble. Bad, in that it can push me away from the group, means that I am often thinking about myself rather than concentrating on encouraging others.
The good news is that we can ask God to use our personalities for good.
Hmmm, just an off-the-cuff response.
I think you're not completely what you say you are mate.
Not as 'anti' as you say so even though these examples you gave soound like YOU want us to think you are.
For example: If i say 'mate,eat more McDonalds, it actually good for you.'
You will. You will NOT go and make a quinoa salad.
If i say "mate, jesus rocks! I can't get enough of his word" You will concurr and jump on the discussion with verve.
You are just masking your discomfort with some things you are mostly unfamiliar with by claiming this pride and antithesis garbage. You won't ever learn and grow if you don't try.
Why not just admit that your personality makes want to rebel against what you may consider to be conformity. Such a rebel without a cause, Benno!!!
'Save the environment?'
'get stuffed. Go hug some grass!!'
Want to change? really? Then for once when a mate gives you some advice. Don't interpret in any other way than what he says and hey, give it a go. You might just come out the other end smiling.
But now that I've suggested this, you're thinking:
"get stuffed, answer boy. I'm never doing that. Ever."
snap.
Wendy- Thanks, I think you clearly pointed out the possible good and bad of this. thanks.
Pedro- Said with such vehemence and gusto!
I think you're hurt because I didn't buy a hippy mower, which is cool.
I hear what you're saying, but I don't really agree. I think I am as anti as I describe, I just keep it to myself, and go and do the opposite in private. And my reasoning, is just as I've described, there's really no masking of the soul going on, don't worry.
The Incredible Hulk isn't literature?
Been there, done that.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "I'm defining myself by what I'm not." Along with Nathan, I'd say forget the rest and work out who / what you are - then you can enjoy being different from some and similar to others without feeling that you have to react one way or another to prove that you are an individual (gratuitous Monty Python reference).
Let me have a stab.
I wonder if it's because from childhood (always good to hark back to childhood) you defined yourself as different to others. Because your speech issues made you different, you coped by seeing yourself as different and revelling in that difference. In lots of ways that difference was really cool. You could draw, sing, play guitar... but you exaggerated it by developing contrary tastes in all sorts of things so that it wouldn't appear that you were trying to play the same game as everyone else (and losing.)
What you have now is a hangover habit from adolescence. It's unnecessary. You know that we'd all still like you even if you listened to [what's the sydney equivalent of B105?] all day long. You've cultivated diverse tastes so enjoy lots of stuff, which is great. You just need to enjoy things for their own sake, not in antithesis to others.
[I'm just making this up. I'm no psych!]
Gary- Ooops! Sorry, yes how offensive was that assumption.
Laetitia- Yes, that sounds right to me.
Simone- Hmmm interesting! I'd say some of what you said sounds right. I think I've probably cultivated a fair few things in a subconcious effort to not be defined as just 'that guy with the stutter'. Then perhaps I unneccessarily took that too far, never wanting to be lumped in with anyone else.
Anyway, thanks for the free session!
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