Kim

On Friday night we went to this sailing club place with my father in law. Not particularly because we are sailors, but just because it's one of those rare places where there's room for the kids to run about, without you feeling people's disapproval. Still, it's full of mainly people in their 50's and up, some discussing the ins and outs of sailing, and some off living the dream in front of the pokie machines.

Anyways, we realise they are setting up karaoke at the front, and so after a while I decided I'd put my name down. I chose 'Heart Of Gold' because it's a song me and Little e sing together, so I was going to try and convince her to sing a duet with me. So then I just nervously waited my turn.

One of the first people to get up was this woman in her 50's who I'd seen there before. Kind of smiley with buck teeth and half closed eyes, and always drunk. I learnt her name was Kim. So Kim gets up and has a crack at Abba's 'Money, Money, Money', with some pretty sterling results. She sung the chorus' with gusto, and then would just kind of slur and mumble her way through each verse. Good times.

Eventually my turn came, and I got up, but couldn't convince Little e to come with me. So once I got to the mic, I gestured for her to come. But who should be standing nearby to misread my beckoning gesture, but Kim herself. So, while Little e shakes her head, staying put in her chair, Kim stumbles up the front and stands right next to me, trying to share the mic, and apparently attempting the Lambada with me (it's not called the Forbidden Dance for nothing, Dear Reader).

As you would expect, this is all a barrel of laughs, but I hope Kim gets tired by the chorus and heads off back to her cave. But alas no, she stays for the entire song, singing, dancing and sidling, breathing hot hobo breath into my face.

Another point of interest was somewhere in the second verse, I think, where she gave my bottom a bit of a squeeze. Way to traumatise my children, Kim. That's the fantastic thing about drunk people, they really have a deep understanding and respect of what is appropriate and socially acceptable at any given time.

All in all, a good night. Happily, E got all of this on film for posterity's sake.