If I was a cheesier man than I am - is this possible?- I'd call this The Daddy Diaries. But I'm not, so I won't. Thank your lucky stars.I've just been thinking about my role as a father to my precious little girls, and often get overwhelmed by the implications and magnitude of this responsibility.
I was talking to E about it last night, after she came home from a book group (on "Radical Womanhood"), where someone had spoken about the really great influence her Christian father had had on her, as she was growing up.
This father had worked so hard on the relational side of things, building such a deep love and trust with his daughter, that the authority of his role just became a real, natural extension of that. She had no qualms submitting to his leadership, because it was so evident where his motives lay.
I think there is a real tendency with men to shy away from the relational side of fathering, maybe even more so with daughters. They leave this aspect chiefly to the mothers, maybe with the semi-valid reasoning that it doesn't come as easily or naturally as to their wives. They quickly fall in to the role of authoritarian, or protector or provider, which are all good things, but things that can't stand on their own.
You get this father that is disconnected and not fully present. He's worked hard 'to put food on the table', so wants to come home, avoid dramas, and relax. Once again, this is partly fair enough, but it's so easy for this to go too far. Suddenly it's the kids' bedtime. You've seen them for a couple of hours, but you've not really engaged with them, except to tell them off for being too loud, or for not eating their dinner. And that's another day gone. And this happens day after day.
Years down the track, the child spirals away from you, and you try to reign them in, either with authority, or with a too-little-too-late "you do know that you can talk to me about anything, don't you?" kind of plea. Well, no I don't know, because you've never really shown me that, and you've never really shared yourself with me, so why should I do so with you?
It's really easy to tut-tut this kind of father, but now that I'm a dad, I can see just how quickly patterns can form, and just how much effort it takes at the end of the day to not become that dad.
Anyway, I have no great answers, I just wanted to start writing down my thoughts about this, as I think more about it. I want to be a dad that my girls trust, and actually know. I want them to hear me apologise when I do stupid things, and I want them to know they can talk to me, simply because I talk to them.
Painting: Wes Hempel
4 comments:
great post. Very cats in the cradle :)
I think you're writing about a really important issue, especially when so many people say that girls end up with husbands like their dads (I did), or take their cues from their father or father-figure in their life when it comes to looking for a partner. Good but heavy stuff to think about!
Thanks for sharing about this. Your honest reflection is great.
I always try to keep in mind that just as men and women are different, our parenting styles are different. (I'm reflecting on how you said certain stuff comes more naturally or easier to your wife). The thing is that our kids need BOTH styles, and different types of interaction with BOTH parents.
Because I am at home with my children all day, and know exactly what they understand and what behaviour/ skills they are working on at that time, I think I sometimes try to make my husband do things as I would do them (e.g. Telling him "She won't understand that question" etc). I have to remind myself to sit back and let him relate to the kids his way, not mine. When I let that happen, it is such a gorgeous thing to observe!
Sorry this is so long, but you are right - I hope men don't shy away from relating because it might not be so easy or natural - practice makes perfect!
I'm glad you're thinking about these things while your children are small.
There is the point though that some men may think that relating to their children comes more easily to their wives but that's generally because the wife is at home with them for the greater part of the day. Relational skills are things that require practise as much for women as for men.
I think that just the fact that you're worrying about it and what you can do to create that form of relationship says that you're already on your way to creating that. Being conscience of it and wondering what to do are good steps.
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