My Speech- Part 1

This is probably the most difficult post I have written so far, and the one I have thought about for the longest time. That is because it is about something very personal, that I am very hesitant to talk about, even with those I'm closest too. But I have decided to give it a go. I'll probably have to break it up in to bite sized chunks in order to cover everything I want to say.

Probably the first thing that you will notice about me when you meet me, is my speech. I have a pretty severe stutter, and speaking is generally a slow and difficult task. It is not a little stutter that you only notice here and there, but rather long blocks of silence where I am trying to force out a word, that is just locked in my throat somewhere.

It is often assumed that this is because I am nervous, or shy, or that I don't know what I want to say. This is not the case. I am actually a fairly out-going and confident person. The words are complete and ready in my head, but are stopped in my throat. The physical explanation is that when most people speak, air and 'voice' vibrate and pass through the vocal chords, but with a stutterer, this mechanism doesn't work properly,and the vocal chords all tense up and contract, blocking the passage and not allowing any voice or air to pass through. I push and push, and eventually it slips out somehow.

While it is a physical problem, there are emotional factors that then come in to play, either to make my speech better or worse. For example, I feel very relaxed and safe speaking to my wife, so with her I speak a lot better than, say, to someone who obviously looks uncomfortable with me, or who I know will jump in to finish my words. And if I am somewhere quiet, and not in a hurry, I will speak a lot better than in a crowded place where I have to talk over noise. I also very rarely use the telephone, as I find it particularly hard if the person can't see when I am or am not trying to speak.

I started to stutter when I was a small child, maybe about age 3. Since then it has gotten better and worse a hundred times, but never goes away. You find lots of different coping mechanisms, such as using hand gestures instead of speaking, or saying "I don't know" to questions that I do know the answer to. Another big one is choosing alternate words that feel easier at any given moment. For example I find it very hard to say the word "bye". So I will go "b........see ya". But soon that doesn't work and I move on to "ciao". But that wears off and I have to look for something else. I am currently on the annoying, Grandpa-ish "Cheerio". I don't like the word, but it's one word that currently "works", so I use it.

Some words, though are inescapable, and those are my most dreaded. My name. My wife's' name. My daughters' name. My suburb. My profession. These are also the words that make you look really stupid if you can't say them. Probably a million times I have been trying to say my name and someone has said "Have you forgotten?".

A stutterer also picks up physical traits and habits, that are extremely difficult to shake. When I stutter my mouth and lips tighten and purse up very tightly, into a sort of grotesque expression, and I feel my eyes glaze over a little. I really can't do much to stop it. Also, from some point many years ago, I got hurt I suppose from seeing listeners look at me with surprise, or with a laugh-- and so now I find it basically impossible to make eye contact while I am stuttering. Nothing to do with shyness or being timid.

As soon as the word is out, I can look the person in the eye and feel completely comfortable. It just becomes habit. Other habits are retracing your steps. If a word is hard, you go back a few words to try and get a 'run-up'. This basically just results in a lot of repetition. Frustrating for the listener, but yeah, very hard to shake.

There are curious sorts of exceptions to a stutter though. One pretty common one is being able to sing completely fluently. Actually, I have been the singer in a few bands. One of those was a hip hop group, and I used to rap. As you know, rapping is basically rhyming, fast talking, which really should have been my worst nightmare. For some strange reason it worked fine. It may have something to do with rhythm, and the words all rolling on into each other.

Well I think I will leave that there, as a description of what the problem is. Next post I'll try and explain why I am telling you all this, and what I am hoping to achieve.