Getting People To Comment On Your Blog, or Hand Feeding Baby Deer In Their Natural Habitat

Blog comments. We say we don't care about them, but we do. We love them. We long for them. But all too often we go about it all wrong.

Getting people to comment on your blog is like hand feeding a baby deer in their natural habitat. It can be done, but it requires patience and discipline. Blog readers are a flighty bunch, inclined to bolt at the first sign of threat. I know I am.

You want the deer to eat the grain in your hand. You like the deer, and you know you have something nice to offer the deer. But you must bide your time. You can't just be all like 'DEEEEER! COME HERE AND EAT THIS GRAIN!!'. They'll be halfway to the other side of the valley by your first exclamation point.

In blog terms, the equivalent is comment-neediness. Being comment-needy is par for the course, but you need to disguise it. You don't want to look like you need it too much. Now listen close as I drop some science:

The blog reader will not give you what they think you need too much, except as a one-off token pity gesture. This makes sense. They just want to kill a bit of time on the computer while they wait for the kettle to boil, they don't want the responsibility of making or breaking your happiness.

If you come across as sulky when you don't get comments ('no one commented on my last post, so I won't post again until 2014') or if you mention it a lot in posts ('why aren't you commenting, is it because you hate me? You think I'm ugly don't you, is anybody there? Speak! Love me, love meeee!')then the proverbial baby deer will break eye contact, start whistling casually, and walk slowly backwards in to the undergrowth, never to be seen again.

You need to play it cool. Don't be an intruder in the forest. Be the forest. Just chill, sit down on a cushion of pine needles, get out some grain, then stretch out and wait.

Soon there will be deer. If you build it, they will come. But when you see one, keep your poker face. Don't jump up and down and run to greet them, saying 'Oh it means the world to me that you're here, look I have grain! So much grain, and it's all for YOU. Yes you, special Y.O.U.'

Just be all like, 'Oh yeah, I see you there, that's cool, whatever.' And then just turn away, and look at some tree or something. They've scoped the grain in your palm, but you must stay nonchalant. This lack of neediness will disarm and attract them. They will approach with caution.

Now they are beside you, tasting some of your awesome grain. This is when temptation will again be very strong. You'll just want to wrap your arms around their neck to give them a tender Bambi cuddle. Fight the urge. Be cool, or be alone again. Show you are pleased that they are there, (respond warmly to comments) but don't pounce.

Just let them graze without pressure or expectation. Before long you'll be patting their warm little faces as they nuzzle you playfully. And then shortly after that you'll be prancing across sun-drenched prairies together. This is blog friendship confirmed. This is what we all should aspire to.

So, absorb this case study. Soak it in, and let it do its magic. Savour the grain.

Make a comment if you like, but whatever, I'm just going to be over there by the fire toasting some marshmallows and reading Walden.

Comment, or don't comment, whatever.