The Inner Workings Of A Fool

When I walked out of the house this morning at 5:45, it was dark and wet. It wasn't raining, but it had been, and there were puddles everywhere, and the sky was full of heavy rain clouds.

I had a 20 minute walk to the station, but could easily have just walked across the road and caught a bus. This would have been the wiser, more logical thing to do, as it looked like it could pour again any moment.

Instead, I kind of recklessly thought, 'who cares', and just walked instead. As it turned out, I made it to the station just in time-- it started bucketing just as I got under the cover of the platform. My attitude then was 'yeah, just as well.' Not 'thank you', not, 'well that was silly, I'm fortunate to have made it'. No, 'just as well'.

Had I gotten wet? I would have been seething and resentful. Towards who? Well, probably not towards myself, even though the predicament would have been entirely of my own doing.

This got me thinking about the mood I've been in and what it stems from. I have been pretty bitter and frustrated of late, about various things, but my stubborn heart doesn't bring these things to God in a real way. Rather, I strain against Him constantly, and pull away, trying to make myself happy and fulfilled.

I get reckless and foolish, and get myself in to hot water, not walking the paths I know to be best for me. I strain hard to get control of the reins, even though I know I only lead myself in to ditches when I'm the one in control.

The example above is a silly, inconsequential one, but it made me realise how much I have a similar attitude with the bigger, more important things in my life. I wander about in folly, and if all goes well I think 'well, I deserve that, why shouldn't things go well for me?'. But if things don't go well, I well up with indignation, and resentment towards God, and the people around me. 'You obviously don't care about me.' And so then, the only way I learn or grow, is when things go badly, and I have to eventually lean back on God.

When there's no recognition or gratitude for all the blessings that God constanly showers you with, the only way you ever learn, grow and become disciplined, is through pain and struggles.

How foolish!

It is good to preach to yourself with what you know to be right, and here are three different quotes that I was ruminating on this morning to try and unscramble my sinful, illogical thinking--

1. 'If we would gather from a kiss all the good it might confer upon us, we should not so often smart under the rod.' (Spurgeon)

2. 'A man's own folly ruins his life,
yet his heart rages against the LORD.' (Proverbs 19:3)

3. 'Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.' (Psalm 32:9)